Through it all

Frustration has a name, and its name is Regina. 


Seriously, when you give up almost everything you have gotten used to for the sake of being there for someone who truly needs you, only to have that person backfire right in your face, that, my friends, would truly suck.


And suck does not even begin to describe it. 


How do you go about helping this person? You are all but a personal nanny already. Everything, and I mean everything, is laid out on a silver platter, ready to be picked up. All that is needed is some effort to actually pick up the stuff, and pick up after yourself. Everything else is taken care of. Does it take so much effort to do that? Would it kill you to reach out and actually try it?


How do you help someone who does not even exert any effort to help himself? Sure, rant about your difficulties. Lament the fact that the whole world is so harsh on you and that you can't help it because you're just wired that way. You know that I will always be here, I will always listen, and in any way that I can, I will always try to make things better for you. But at what cost?


So your present mode of therapy does not help. You do not trust the person who is supposed to be helping you. What do you do? Complain? Of course you do. But should it stop there? Shouldn't you at least try to find someone who can work with you better? Or does that fall to me, too? Does your getting better depend on everyone else except you?


I am at my wit's end. For now, I am. I need a vacation. I need to be somewhere far away where all this responsibility does not have to weigh down on me. I need to go somewhere and recharge, because in all honesty, I am starting to resent the cross that I carry, and I do not like that. If I am going to carry my cross, I want to do it with joy in my heart and have His peace envelope me. I do not want to be dragging on, resentful of this, because that is not how it is supposed to be. 

I think many people are under the mistaken notion that when you walk with God, it is going to be a walk in the park. Many people think that when you belong to God, everything becomes bright and shiny and easy. That's what I thought at first. But then, I came to know, as I walked with Him more, and as my relationship with Him deepened, that the exact opposite is true. Walking with God is not all sunshine and rainbows. The more I walk with Him, the more challenging it gets. The more I walk with Him, the more I am tested. Why? Because everyone who walks with Him has the privilege of being pruned, molded and refined by the Master Himself, until we become more like His Son. 


Only He knows why this particular cross is mine to carry. He gave it to me, and I trust that He will see me through this. And for that reason alone, I do not want to get to the point where I resent my responsibility, or Him, for that matter. That is why I need to vent, and vent to Him. He knows my rants, He knows these things that break me. And He knows how my heart aches, and how tiring it gets. But at the end of the day, He makes me realize that through it all, I have Him. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He will always be there to comfort me and give me strength. Everyone and everything else may fail, but He won't. That I am sure of. 


So for tonight, and maybe until the rest of the week, let me rant. Let me complain, let me air out the bad vibes of frustration. Because I am giving myself a deadline. I am allowing myself to be frustrated, I am allowing myself to wallow in hurt that this frustration brings with it. But after that, I will let it go, and I will ask Him again to lead me where exactly I should be. Because if this is where He wants me to be, then I am sure He will renew my strength. But if He wants me to be somewhere else, then I know He will make it happen, too, one way or another. Either way, I trust that He will give me the strength I need, and in the end, He will be glorified.