Boundaries

They say love knows no bounds. I beg to disagree. Sometimes, the only way to show and prove your love is to set clear boundaries that will define, for the time being, the limits and demarcations of the relationship, not because you want to limit, but because you want to help the person grow.

Where does self-sacrifice end and stupidity begin? When it all becomes a vicious cycle, isn't that reason enough to cut off and set up stronger boundaries?

How long will you wait? Until when do you hold off? And until when do you stay enmeshed?

Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod. Tama na, please.

Birthday surprise

This is where I want to be right now.
Photo credit: Giane Cortazar

Getting better is, I have found, not something to be rushed, nor is it something you force. You either are okay, or you are not. Sometimes, you perfect the art of being okay even if you are not that your conscious mind can no longer tell the difference. It takes a toll, though, on the other aspects of your life.

I just realized that I never really gave myself a break from everything that transpired since last year (wow, 2011 IS already last year... but that right there is another story!), and now I am beginning to feel the strings getting pulled taut again. I don't know how long it will be this time before it snaps, or if it will still come to that, or if the break will take another form. God has promised me, however, that this year will be His year with me = in short, our year. :) He made that promise on my birthday, when I was attached to a nebulizer, huffing and puffing to save myself from the worst of my asthma attack (yes, I had asthma on my birthday).

First, He led my best friend to Deuteronomy 31, and then me to Hebrews 11. It was the most awesome birthday gift I could have ever imagined getting - God Himself making me a promise, reassuring me that He would be working through me to expand the territory of the Kingdom; that I, a lowly servant, a soldier in His army, would be given such an awesome mission.

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of getting such reassurance from the King Himself, and on my birthday, no less. Every other time I have felt unwanted, inadequate, and unimportant in my life was just swept away by that simple message from Him. Yes, I am inadequate in all respects because I am serving a good and perfect King, but who am I to contest Him? He called me, no matter how unworthy I am. I have come to the realization that when He calls You, He will equip you.

Yes, I am still yearning for rest. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my body is screaming for a break. But just like everything, that will come when I need it the most, and I believe He will give it to me at just the right time. Right now, I have to strike while the iron is hot... There are territories to be claimed, people to share the gospel with. I have been called to duty, now it's time to attend my Master's summons. :)

Freedom is not something to be taken for granted

https://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/SOPA/Blackoutpage

They say that they are just trying to protect copyright, intellectual rights, and stop online piracy.

Others say this is the start of the curtailment of our basic freedoms, one of which is the freedom of speech.

If it is really just about putting a stop to online piracy, then I wonder why so many people are worried and why Wikipedia had to shutdown for 24 hours as a sign of protest.

If it is really about stopping online piracy, then why are they so vague? Why can't the proponents of this put out an explanation to make things clear to the public?

I cannot imagine living in a world where my words have to be very carefully chosen, for fear of punishment if I offend the powers that be. I am not saying that we should be careless with out words - of course decorum and manners will always apply - but to be gagged and not be able to stand for what you believe in because it is not approved? God help me, I do not want to be in a world where Big Brother tracks my every move.

Many of us don't even give this a second thought, especially for those of us who do not even know of the trauma that was Martial Law. But if we don't start caring now, sooner or later, we may all wake up in a world where we are gagged, with a knife pointed at our throats.

The things you just can't say

Wentai: Let's go away together! Doesn't matter where.
Hua Mulan: You once said, if you could give your life to end this war, you would do it.
Wentai: It's easy for me to give up my life, but it's too difficult to give up the woman I love.
Hua Mulan: In order that there be no more Tigers, that no more families end up with just a bloody dog tag...
Wentai: I understand... Forget about me.
Hua Mulan: For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day.

I have learned that you don't always have to say the words "I love you" for you to be able to say "I love you." If there was something I learned in that almost one year, it was that there are a thousand ways to creatively say those three magical words, and to show how much you mean it.

"I love you" could very well be replaced by, "You are a pest that wormed its way into our hearts and tool up permanent residence there."

Or it could also be, "You are the most annoying creature on the planet." But you know darned well you really couldn't live without the target of that statement.

It could also be stated simply by saying, "I have your back. No matter what."

And of course, there are the statements like, "I want you to remember how much you mean to me. No matter what happens, I want you to remember that you are important to me."

But when I saw the movie Hua Mulan, whose excerpt of my favorite part is featured above, I realized that this captured the entire essence of saying "I love you" without even saying "I love you."

I cried when I first saw that movie, not only because it was so beautifully tragic, but because it was so overflowing with love on so many facets and aspects. I cried when Mulan's soldiers were cornered, captured, and then systematically butchered by the enemy. I cried when her bestfriend from childhood died. I cried when the remaining soldiers sang of home. I cried when Mulan decided to forsake personal happiness for the greater good of her nation. I cried when Wentai offered to run away with her, and she declined. I cried really hard when she said, "For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day." As far as I know, that was the most beautiful way of saying "I love you" that I have ever witnessed on-screen.

And now, I am fighting the urge to cry because I am remembering the beauty and magnitude of that kind of love -- the kind of love that encompasses self, the kind of love that sacrifices everything for the sake of the greater good, the kind of love that selflessly gives, no matter what the cost, even if the price is death, be it literal or figurative... the kind of love that took the greatest humiliation of all by dying a criminal's death, and then crying out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?" It is no longer about you, nor is it about the person you love. It becomes so much greater and so much bigger than that... Suddenly, in the snap of a finger, I finally realize and understand that it is so much more than that. I realize that there is no other course to take, and that once you decide to give yourself up to the One who is love, you really have no choice except to love, even if it is hard, even if it is impossible.

I understand Mulan. I may not be a general, but I know what it is to wake up everyday in a battlefield. And for the first time in my very colorful life, I can say with all sincerity, "Knowing You are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day."

I can finally let your ghost go now. Because I finally understand what you mean... I know what you meant, and I understand, even if I can't explain it. Physical presence is no longer necessary to make such things felt, and understood. And if only for that, thank you.

Hope lives

Photo courtesy of
http://obsessionwithbutterflies.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/hope1.jpg 

I have been searching for this book for quite a while. It's been a part of my personal reading list, but getting a copy was kind of hard because it's always either out of stock or the book store doesn't carry it all.

So random ADD moment: are good books really that hard to come by nowadays?

Anyway, so when I finally found a copy of the book, I did not hesitate even if this particular book was not part of the sale list (yes, that is how much I love my books. Other women spend on clothes, shoes, bags, and make-up... I spend on books. Hehe.) and I could not avail of the 20% discount. It was worth it, though.

Hope for the Flowers gives off the impression that it is a children's book. The drawings, the font, and the minimal words on each page all give off the feel that it is a book intended to entertain and educate children. It even reads as fast as a children's book. I was so excited that I finished in 20 minutes (probably because I admired the drawings on each page so much).

But if you take a careful look at what it says on the cover: "A tale -- partly about life, partly about revolution, and lots about hope for adults and others (including caterpillars who can read)", you will realize that this is no ordinary children's book.

I understand now why my friend was bugging me to read this. Hope is an abstract concept understood easily enough, but oftentimes tricky to explain. Admit it, in the world we live in today, hope is not something we can all believe in easily. More often than not, it is despair, destruction, and chaos that rule. Author Trina Paulus, however, did a wonderful job on giving Hope a face through Stripe, Yellow, and that nameless caterpillar who encouraged Yellow as he hung on that branch.

All the basic principles I stand by were all illustrated well in this book. Perhaps one of my favorite moments was when Stripe realized how meaningless and utterly pointless it was to be part of the throng that was relentlessly pushing and working its way to the top. I find it refreshing that the concept of individuality here was subtly expressed and not blatantly glaring. Through the chain of events that happened in Yellow's, and then Stripe's life, they came to the conclusion that just because many people are doing it and going along with it, does not necessarily mean that it is right, nor is it beneficial. It is non-conformity with a purpose, not just wanting to be different because you want to stand out, or you want to be noticed. It is not about the attention. It is making the stand that matters. You dare to be different because you believe in something deeper than you can give actual meaning to, and even if you get ridiculed, ostracized, or persecuted for what you believe in, you will stand firm because you know you believe in something higher than your own wishes and desires, and you know deep down you live for something far greater than the whims and ever-changing approval of people. Just like Stripe and Yellow, they knew that their lives as caterpillars had to mean so much more than pushing their way to the top of the caterpillar pillar. Getting to the top was not all it was cracked up to be, because success and fulfillment lay elsewhere.

I was Stripe once, and I know what Yellow went through, too. Sometimes I still feel the pull of the caterpillar pillar, and I am inexorably drawn back, the way Stripe was, but God is good... He always directs me back to where exactly I should be. And He always reminds me that I have so much more to do with my life than drown myself in that throng and lose all sense of who I am in Him.

I have nothing but good words for this book. If you find yourself stuck in a rut and losing faith, I suggest you read this. Read it with an open heart and the eyes of a child. PDF copies are available online if you can't find a printed copy. I'd lend you mine, but I already gave my copy to my favorite kid. Books, like any other good thing, are meant to be shared. :) and since I can't lend you my copy, I will just post this blog entry.

Happy reading!

Getting back on track

So it's kinda strange how I took a period of hibernation these last few months and stayed uncharacteristically quiet. It's been chaotic, and the trouble is far from over, but whatever. There are better things to do and spend your time on, right?

But since I am trying to get back on track, please do try to bear with the randomness of the thoughts spouting from my disjointed mind. It's been quite a while since I translated my thoughts into written word, and I may be getting rusty.

After 72 days, I find that a lot of things have turned around. It's just funny how people evolve/devolve... what you once thought were absolutes are just as easily washed away by the tides of time and change. I can't deny the fact that I learned so much from you, and I will always be thankful for that. I know now that He used you to start this massive shaking I am experiencing, a shaking that I know will bring about a lot of good. I meant what I said that you will always have a place in my heart. Nothing will change that.

I realized that you will never truly know the limits of your strength until you are faced with something that tests, and ultimately stretches your limit. And when you find yourself at the end of your rope, God will extend that rope a little more, and He will take you even further, until you find yourself out of the tunnel, and you will be amazed at how long your rope has become and just how far you've come.

So this is my song at the moment, because I find that I am re-discovering my world. For the nth time. :)

The World I Know by Collective Soul
"Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know."

All I can say is that after all this, I have finally learned what it means to praise You in spite of and despite the circumstances. I will take the good with the bad. :) Despite everything, love still abounds. And that is more than enough to keep me going.

When blah becomes the point of reference

This week, so far, has been going by in a blur. What day is it already? All I know is that another cycle of day and night has already passed because I spent yet another sleepless night bugging Him for answers (which, I might add, have all been given, but yeah... Stubborn me), and eventually just drifting off to weird and disturbing dreams.


I would probably get flak for being where I am at the moment. Nosy know-it-alls would probably say what an irresponsible person I am being because I have left my charge alone for the moment. Typical kind of mentality in this part of the world... The eldest always gives way. I am not complaining, nor am I resentful. I'm just... trying to breathe. Because no matter how strong we panganays are (or look like we are), we are human, too, and we have limits. Most people seem to forget that, though. 


I don't care about the possible names I will be called, or the insults that will be thrown my way, because I do not answer to any of those hearsayers who know nothing. I don't owe them any explanations. The only One I am accountable to has given me clearance to rest, and His word is the only one that matters to me. I am not forsaking my responsibility, I just need a few days, or maybe a few weeks, to step back and regain perspective, because right now, I really really want to smash stuff in anger. 


I don't know why I even have to ask permission to be not okay. It's like it's been my default setting to be "okay" for so long that people sometimes forget that I have a breaking point, too. I am a very tolerant person, and surprisingly, I have been finding out that I am patient, too, but this does not mean that I am a doormat, nor is it a license for people to take advantage of me. And so even when I am no longer, I have to put on my masks and look like I am okay, because it's expected of me. 


I actually had to ask for time to be not okay. It's tiring to be so darned strong and together all the time. I told God, "Can I take a leave of absence? I'm not going to quit (although I am sorely tempted to). I just need time to be not okay for a while. I am tired, and I need to rest."


"Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"




It's so easy to do that when everything is going well. Try it when your heart is breaking, when the tears won't stop flowing, and you are at your wit's end already and you are this close to throwing in the towel. Try it when you have tried everything possible, when you followed all His instructions, but still, nothing seems to work. You pray consistently and constantly, but the answer you're waiting for is still somewhere beyond the horizon. It seems to work best, I've found, when you are down on your knees already because you are just about ready to give up and you are crying for a way out.

So yes. I am not okay, nor do I want to pretend to be okay. For those who can't deal with that, and who insist on me being "where I should be, doing what I should do" and to do anything otherwise is just plain selfishness, I will plug my ears and sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" because you really have no idea what you're talking about. If it is selfish to think about yourself once in a while, if it is selfish to give time for yourself and attend to your own needs, then so be it. When you have walked in my shoes and know what it is to be here, then tell me that. You may be trying to encourage me, but it is not going to work that way. You'd do better to just stand with me, give me a hug and let me cry (eating ice cream with me would be a good idea, too). If God Himself told His servants to rest, then who are you to argue with that?

So for now, no matter what others may think, I am taking a temporary leave of absence. And despite the hurt piercing my heart right now, this is what I sing: