Dahil hindi ito nagtatapos sa paalam

Siguro kung may formula sa pakikipag-break, andami na sa atin natuwa ano? Di hamak na dadali ang buhay, at siguro, kahit papano, mababawasan ang mga suicidal na nagtatangkang tumalon o maglaslas kung maayos lang ang pakikipaghiwalay sa isa't isa. Aba, siguro kung may manual ng breaking up, nabawasan na ang drama at kwentong kahangalan na kakabit ng pakikipaghiwalay. Pero ang galing ano, sa dami ng mag-jowang nagkalat diyan, halos ganon din karami ang storya ng pakikipag-break at paghihiwalay. Samu't saring paraan, lalong mas maraming kwento ng kung papano hinarap, tiniis, dinamdam, at nilampasan.

Akala ko nung nabasa ko ang private message mo sa Facebook nung nakaraang taon, nagkatotoo ang kinanta ni Kat Agarrado dito na tumigil ang mundo. Nabasag ang katinuan. Sa dami ng pinagdadaanan nang mga panahong iyon, ikaw, dumagdag pa. Kung baga, ikaw na ang trigger na nagpatuluyan. 

Aligaga, balisa, hindi mapakali, nagdrama, umiyak, nag-inarte, naglasing, nagwala, nakipag-away, naghanap ng away, hindi umalis ng kwarto at halos hindi bumangon, nagalit sa universe, nagsumamo sa Diyos at sa lahat ng pwede pakiusapan, nakipagsuntukan sa pader (at sa kung kanino pang sira ulong gustong pumatol), umatake ang insomnia at hindi natulog ng pagkatagal-tagal, nagsulat, kumanta, umiyak pa ulit (at paulit-ulit pa), naghanap ng dahilan, binasura ang mga dahilang naisip, binalik-balikan ang mga alaala, pinakinggan ang mga banda at kantang paborito natin, pinaulit-ulit ang mga huling sandali hanggang sa halos masiraan ng bait, halos basagin ang lahat ng bagay na nagpapaalala sa akin sa 'yo, kulang na lang ay magpadala ng bulaklak ng patay sa 'yo para matapos na ang kabaliwan.

Akala ko, iyon na ang puno't dulo ng lahat. Seryoso, akala ko natapos na ang buhay nung nawala ka. Akala ko, hindi ko kaya bumangon at harapin ang bukas. Pero eto, pagkalipas ng isang taon, buhay na buhay pa ako, at namamayagpag. 

Ang dami kong galit sa 'yo nung una. Yung mga pagdadramang, "Para saan pa ang mga pangako?" at lahat ng kakambal ng ganyang sentimyento, nabanggit ko na yata. Nung una, hindi ako halos makabangon (literal) sa pagkakahiga ko. Mabuti na lang at napakabait ng Diyos, nagbigay Siya ng mga taong naniguradong hindi ko sinira ng tuluyan ang sarili ko nung mga oras na yon.

Para akong baliw na hindi mapakali sa iisang pakiramdam. Pasalit-salit sa galit, tapos mapapatawad, tapos magsesentimyento at iiyak, tapos ayan, magagalit na naman. Nakakapagod, tinalo ko pa ang artistang nag-iinternalize para sa isang bonggang role na gagampanan. Mabuti sana kung mananalo ako ng award sa pag-emote ko, eh wala namang ganun!

Lumipas na ang one-year deadline mo. Kahit papano ay tama pa rin ang pagkakakilala ko sa 'yo. Tinotoo mo naman ang sinabi mo na isang taon. Akala ko nga lang, pagkatapos ng isang taon ay masasagot na ang mga katanungan ko. Hindi naman kasi ibig sabihin na kapag humingi ng paliwanag ay pinipilit kang magbago ang desisyon mo, o kaya binabalikan ka. Hindi ganun. Ibig sabihin lang, may mga bagay na, sa kamalas-malasan nga lang ng tadhana, eh ikaw lang ang makakasagot, kahit ayaw mo na sana.

Akala ko nga lang din, may halaga sa 'yo na minsan ay naging matalik tayong magkaibigan. Akala ko ay kahit para doon na lang, magagawa mong magbigay ng disenteng pakiusap man lang. Hindi pala lahat ng bagay ay nadadaan sa ganun, ano?

Huwag ka mag-alala. Napatawad na kita. Taos sa puso ko iyon, at wala nang kahit anong bahid ng galit o sama ng loob. Okay na, magpaliwanag ka man o hindi, dahil napagtanto kong hindi ko na kailangan pa marinig. 

Pinagdadasal kong mahanap mo ang kapayapaan na matagal mo nang inaasam. Kung balang araw man ay magkita tayo ulit, alam mong wala na akong sama ng loob sa 'yo. 

The blessing of fire

On my way home from yet another disappointing job interview (complete with pouring rain and semi-bleak thoughts for company), I got around to thinking why some people are blessed with a smooth and relatively "painless" stay with only minor bumps in the road, while others are blessed (yes, I still say BLESSED) with fire, storms, and all imaginable kinds of challenges.

The first reaction is always, "Why me? I don't deserve this!" 

Perfectly legitimate question to ask. And in all my 27 years of existence, I have yet to find an answer that will suffice. 

I don't have an answer to the "Why me, I don't deserve this" part. What I do know is that we are burned, drowned, shaken, and allowed to feel pain because of one of two things: one, it may be a consequence of a past action or decision (now come back to bite you in the ass); or two, God allows it to test you and refine you, with the ultimate goal of making you more like His Son. 

I have learned that it is not a question of being fair, nor is it a question of who is deserving of what. God tested Job to see if he would remain faithful even when everything was taken from him. For all his ranting and reason to fall away (come on, Satan infected him with boils, caused his entire family to die and took away all his riches and possessions), he did not. God chose to save the city of Nineveh (something which the prophet Jonah greatly resented, because according to him, they were a sinful bunch anyway) despite them being "not deserving". God rescued Israel time and time again, despite their blatant disobedience and rebellion, whenever they would cry out to Him for help. So if it is only a question of being deserving, none of us deserve the grace of salvation, because we all fall short.

Coming out of a very bad year changed a lot of things, mostly my perspective. I have realized and come to accept that as long as I live in this world, trouble will ALWAYS exist. It is inescapable, so I might as well learn to live with it. Once I finally got it in my head that this world we live in is fallen, broken, deeply damaged, and in desperate need of a Savior (what else would you expect from a world ruled by the prince of darkness?), it became somewhat easier to accept that trouble would come, in one form or another, at some point or another. It may be a Job-like scenario, wherein Satan asks permission to test you; it may be a test allowed by Father to refine you and help you grow; it may be the consequences of our decisions or actions in the past.

You rant, you whine, you cry. You lash out at the universe and yell, "What did I do to deserve this?" More than the solution, the way we face the fire is just as important. There are only two options: run to God, or run away from Him and allow the trouble to drown you, pull you down, and destroy you, and then you blame God when everything is gone. More often than not, I took the latter path. I'd drown to the point of blacking out, and when I was completely lost, I would lash out and get mad at God. And then when I was completely lost, that was the only time I'd even consider Him as the solution. 

I am no expert in facing the challenges of life. If anything, I am a work in progress. I mess up and fall away and I forget just about everything His Word has promised me. I become a dark shadow of what I am supposed to be. I let Father down on a daily basis. It is only the miracle of His grace that I am still here.

I guess the whole point of this post is to encourage my fellows in arms, my brothers and sisters, and just about anyone undergoing fire. I know what it's like. I've been there. Sometimes I get pulled back. Just when you think you finally got it, well, life suddenly throws you off balance and it's time for you to level up. 

Leveling up is, perhaps, the single hardest thing to accept and go through in any Christian's life. But I do know, the rewards are eternal. So please, hang on, and do not fall away, not for anything.

Breaking the silence

So I know I've been silent the last few months. Now is a good time as any to break the silence, on the day before that one-year deadline.

What can change in a year? Apparently, a lot. 

When you've been down to the bottom of the pit, there is not much more that will scare you or faze you. The monsters that used to make you cower in fear, they that used to hold you in chains and keep you prisoner in a dark, dank cave, you suddenly see them for what they are -- defeated creatures of darkness desperately trying to bring as many as they can to their sorry doom. I am not saying the monsters are gone, that they have been slain down to the last creature, that they no longer plague me, but at least, at the very least, the chains have been broken... and I no longer find the cave beautiful.

I have never truly realized the value of praise until I literally had to count the things I was thankful for -- from the air that sustained me, the roof over my head, the food on the table, and the fact that I was still able to function despite everything. When you learn to be thankful for the very breath you breathe, then you know what I am talking about. You learn to wake up with a song of thanks, each and every day, for the simple fact that you are still breathing and the Lord is not done with you yet. 

I have learned that Atlas turns me into something dark and truly awful, but that I don't have to let Atlas control me, because I have a choice. Taking that choice is still something I am working on, but at least I have learned to make the distinction between me and Atlas. 

In the last year, I have also learned that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It does not matter how noble your reasons are, or how good you think you may be. Wrong is wrong and right is right, in that respect there is no middle ground, and I find that I am no longer willing to bend and compromise. I don't care if that makes me a killjoy. I guess I have to thank you for strengthening my convictions.

And in the last year, I have learned many times over and in a million different ways, that God, in His infinite mercy, is forever faithful. Not once did He leave me, even in the stupidest mistakes I made and the blatant transgressions I managed. When I cried out for help, He met me right then and there, and He brought me out of the cave. 

Tomorrow will mark the deadline. I can face it now with a quiet confidence that comes not from me, but from my Father's grace. Whatever tomorrow will bring, I know it will be for the best. 

The last year I had was not the easiest, in fact, it ranks way up there in the suckfest years. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I witnessed miracles. Infinite grace rained down, and continues to do so every day. Blessings I never thought possible were given. And I am loved beyond measure. There is nothing more I want, nor anything more that I could ask for.