Thursday, January 26, 2012


They say love knows no bounds. I beg to disagree. Sometimes, the only way to show and prove your love is to set clear boundaries that will define, for the time being, the limits and demarcations of the relationship, not because you want to limit, but because you want to help the person grow.

Where does self-sacrifice end and stupidity begin? When it all becomes a vicious cycle, isn't that reason enough to cut off and set up stronger boundaries?

How long will you wait? Until when do you hold off? And until when do you stay enmeshed?

Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod. Tama na, please.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Birthday surprise

This is where I want to be right now.
Photo credit: Giane Cortazar
Getting better is, I have found, not something to be rushed, nor is it something you force. You either are okay, or you are not. Sometimes, you perfect the art of being okay even if you are not that your conscious mind can no longer tell the difference. It takes a toll, though, on the other aspects of your life.

I just realized that I never really gave myself a break from everything that transpired since last year (wow, 2011 IS already last year... but that right there is another story!), and now I am beginning to feel the strings getting pulled taut again. I don't know how long it will be this time before it snaps, or if it will still come to that, or if the break will take another form. God has promised me, however, that this year will be His year with me = in short, our year. :) He made that promise on my birthday, when I was attached to a nebulizer, huffing and puffing to save myself from the worst of my asthma attack (yes, I had asthma on my birthday).

First, He led my best friend to Deuteronomy 31, and then me to Hebrews 11. It was the most awesome birthday gift I could have ever imagined getting - God Himself making me a promise, reassuring me that He would be working through me to expand the territory of the Kingdom; that I, a lowly servant, a soldier in His army, would be given such an awesome mission.

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of getting such reassurance from the King Himself, and on my birthday, no less. Every other time I have felt unwanted, inadequate, and unimportant in my life was just swept away by that simple message from Him. Yes, I am inadequate in all respects because I am serving a good and perfect King, but who am I to contest Him? He called me, no matter how unworthy I am. I have come to the realization that when He calls You, He will equip you.

Yes, I am still yearning for rest. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my body is screaming for a break. But just like everything, that will come when I need it the most, and I believe He will give it to me at just the right time. Right now, I have to strike while the iron is hot... There are territories to be claimed, people to share the gospel with. I have been called to duty, now it's time to attend my Master's summons. :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Freedom is not something to be taken for granted

They say that they are just trying to protect copyright, intellectual rights, and stop online piracy.

Others say this is the start of the curtailment of our basic freedoms, one of which is the freedom of speech.

If it is really just about putting a stop to online piracy, then I wonder why so many people are worried and why Wikipedia had to shutdown for 24 hours as a sign of protest.

If it is really about stopping online piracy, then why are they so vague? Why can't the proponents of this put out an explanation to make things clear to the public?

I cannot imagine living in a world where my words have to be very carefully chosen, for fear of punishment if I offend the powers that be. I am not saying that we should be careless with out words - of course decorum and manners will always apply - but to be gagged and not be able to stand for what you believe in because it is not approved? God help me, I do not want to be in a world where Big Brother tracks my every move.

Many of us don't even give this a second thought, especially for those of us who do not even know of the trauma that was Martial Law. But if we don't start caring now, sooner or later, we may all wake up in a world where we are gagged, with a knife pointed at our throats.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The things you just can't say

Wentai: Let's go away together! Doesn't matter where.
Hua Mulan: You once said, if you could give your life to end this war, you would do it.
Wentai: It's easy for me to give up my life, but it's too difficult to give up the woman I love.
Hua Mulan: In order that there be no more Tigers, that no more families end up with just a bloody dog tag...
Wentai: I understand... Forget about me.
Hua Mulan: For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day.

I have learned that you don't always have to say the words "I love you" for you to be able to say "I love you." If there was something I learned in that almost one year, it was that there are a thousand ways to creatively say those three magical words, and to show how much you mean it.

"I love you" could very well be replaced by, "You are a pest that wormed its way into our hearts and tool up permanent residence there."

Or it could also be, "You are the most annoying creature on the planet." But you know darned well you really couldn't live without the target of that statement.

It could also be stated simply by saying, "I have your back. No matter what."

And of course, there are the statements like, "I want you to remember how much you mean to me. No matter what happens, I want you to remember that you are important to me."

But when I saw the movie Hua Mulan, whose excerpt of my favorite part is featured above, I realized that this captured the entire essence of saying "I love you" without even saying "I love you."

I cried when I first saw that movie, not only because it was so beautifully tragic, but because it was so overflowing with love on so many facets and aspects. I cried when Mulan's soldiers were cornered, captured, and then systematically butchered by the enemy. I cried when her bestfriend from childhood died. I cried when the remaining soldiers sang of home. I cried when Mulan decided to forsake personal happiness for the greater good of her nation. I cried when Wentai offered to run away with her, and she declined. I cried really hard when she said, "For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day." As far as I know, that was the most beautiful way of saying "I love you" that I have ever witnessed on-screen.

And now, I am fighting the urge to cry because I am remembering the beauty and magnitude of that kind of love -- the kind of love that encompasses self, the kind of love that sacrifices everything for the sake of the greater good, the kind of love that selflessly gives, no matter what the cost, even if the price is death, be it literal or figurative... the kind of love that took the greatest humiliation of all by dying a criminal's death, and then crying out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?" It is no longer about you, nor is it about the person you love. It becomes so much greater and so much bigger than that... Suddenly, in the snap of a finger, I finally realize and understand that it is so much more than that. I realize that there is no other course to take, and that once you decide to give yourself up to the One who is love, you really have no choice except to love, even if it is hard, even if it is impossible.

I understand Mulan. I may not be a general, but I know what it is to wake up everyday in a battlefield. And for the first time in my very colorful life, I can say with all sincerity, "Knowing You are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day."

I can finally let your ghost go now. Because I finally understand what you mean... I know what you meant, and I understand, even if I can't explain it. Physical presence is no longer necessary to make such things felt, and understood. And if only for that, thank you.