Breaking the silence

So I know I've been silent the last few months. Now is a good time as any to break the silence, on the day before that one-year deadline.

What can change in a year? Apparently, a lot. 

When you've been down to the bottom of the pit, there is not much more that will scare you or faze you. The monsters that used to make you cower in fear, they that used to hold you in chains and keep you prisoner in a dark, dank cave, you suddenly see them for what they are -- defeated creatures of darkness desperately trying to bring as many as they can to their sorry doom. I am not saying the monsters are gone, that they have been slain down to the last creature, that they no longer plague me, but at least, at the very least, the chains have been broken... and I no longer find the cave beautiful.

I have never truly realized the value of praise until I literally had to count the things I was thankful for -- from the air that sustained me, the roof over my head, the food on the table, and the fact that I was still able to function despite everything. When you learn to be thankful for the very breath you breathe, then you know what I am talking about. You learn to wake up with a song of thanks, each and every day, for the simple fact that you are still breathing and the Lord is not done with you yet. 

I have learned that Atlas turns me into something dark and truly awful, but that I don't have to let Atlas control me, because I have a choice. Taking that choice is still something I am working on, but at least I have learned to make the distinction between me and Atlas. 

In the last year, I have also learned that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It does not matter how noble your reasons are, or how good you think you may be. Wrong is wrong and right is right, in that respect there is no middle ground, and I find that I am no longer willing to bend and compromise. I don't care if that makes me a killjoy. I guess I have to thank you for strengthening my convictions.

And in the last year, I have learned many times over and in a million different ways, that God, in His infinite mercy, is forever faithful. Not once did He leave me, even in the stupidest mistakes I made and the blatant transgressions I managed. When I cried out for help, He met me right then and there, and He brought me out of the cave. 

Tomorrow will mark the deadline. I can face it now with a quiet confidence that comes not from me, but from my Father's grace. Whatever tomorrow will bring, I know it will be for the best. 

The last year I had was not the easiest, in fact, it ranks way up there in the suckfest years. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I witnessed miracles. Infinite grace rained down, and continues to do so every day. Blessings I never thought possible were given. And I am loved beyond measure. There is nothing more I want, nor anything more that I could ask for.  

On Elijah and Hiding Out in Caves

Note: This was originally posted in my Facebook notes on February 26, 2012.

Photo credit: http://www.revelation-today.com/_ElijChar2.jpg

I've heard it said that there is no gray area when it comes to faith. You either believe or you don't. You either take the Bible to heart as truth in its entirety or you don't. There are certain things you can't find middle ground on, and faith in God and in His word is one of them. The New Testament, especially the gospels, I have always taken as truth. But so many things and events in that Book, especially the events that defy logic, I had a hard time taking.

That was the case until last week.

For a long time, the Bible and everything I read in it all had the element of something surreal and mythical to me. I knew in my mind that everything I read there is true, but somehow, it wasn't true for me. I believed in salvation, I believed in grace and mercy, I knew in my heart they were all real, but the other things? Like the chariots of fire, the Red Sea dividing, the sun going back in the sky, and fire raining down from heaven... somehow, all of those things were things I would associate more with a movie than with actual events.

Elijah's story is one of those Bible stories I had a hard time accepting as real. I mean, really, chariots of fire coming down from heaven and sweeping him away? Ravens feeding him in the desert? It seems more like scenes from a sci-fi or inidie film. I had no doubt whatsoever that Elijah performed all those miracles and great deeds to make the Israelites realize their mistakes, to help them repent and turn back to God. But somehow, the other parts of the story (along with so many other parts of the Bible) I could not really grasp.

Compared to the other great men of the Bible like Moses, Isaiah, David and the others, Elijah is relatively in the minor leagues. He occupies a few chapters (1 Kings 17-2 Kings 2), and unlike the previous names mentioned who are almost always the first names to be brought up whenever influence and impact on spiritual life is talked about, Elijah is not someone I hear often. So why am I writing about a minor prophet, when I have all the other famous big shots to choose from? Simple enough. Elijah resonates with me. Reading about his life is like looking into a mirror.

Elijah started out on fire. God called him, and he followed. He preached, called the people to repent, and challenged Ahab's and Jezebel's diviners because their acts of sorcery and divination were offensive to God. Ahab and Jezebel were leading the Israelites to sin, and God sent Elijah to turn the people from their wickedness. And Elijah was doing such an awesome job... until Jezebel ordered every prophet of God killed. The man of God who was calling fire down from heaven and challenging every man who dared to call "god" anyone else aside from the Lord God Almighty was suddenly turning tail and running scared. 

He ran. Yes, a mighty man of God, who called fire from heaven and preached courageously, ran. He ran to the desert and prayed that he would die. In his frustration, he sat under a tree and wished that God would take his life already because he was so hopeless and he felt that it was all so pointless. In his exhaustion, he fell asleep. You would think that after that, God would discipline him or something like that because he left right in the middle of duty. Instead, God sent His angel to give him nourishment. But still, he did not go back. When he regained his strength from what the angel fed him, he proceeded to a cave and sulked. 

In that cave, when Elijah was down, out, licking his wounds and feeling sorry for himself, God spoke to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

God asked him that not once, but twice. For the God of heaven and earth to meet you right there while you are busy hiding in your cave, shutting out every one and everything, feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting just about everything in your life, is something that shakes you to the very foundations of your being, and it changes your life.

When the God of the universe Himself goes down to your cave and asks you what you are doing there, that is not something you ignore. No matter how deep you may be in sorrow, anguish, or lament, when God himself meets you in your moment of deepest despair and bleakest longing, you just know that He is not done with you yet. 

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

I have been Elijah so many times in my life. We both started out on fire. And then, in the snap of a finger, I was derailed faster than I could figure out how or why that happened. And before I knew it, I was running hard and fast and I was slinking back further and further into a cave I had fashioned for myself, which the enemy made all the more inviting by enticing me with all kinds of offers and things that I thought, at that time, were perfect. 

I spent years in that cave. I thought I would never get out. I was lost, desperate, devoid of hope. I was getting self-destructive, I was destroying myself in so many ways and I knew, deep down, it was only a matter of time before the enemy won over me. I was drowning, and in all likelihood, I was going to die (figuratively).

And then one day, Father decided that I had had enough. He decided that it was time for me to get out of that cave.

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

I made excuses. I fought, I struggled. I tried ignoring Him. 

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

Like I said, when the Lord of all creation asks You that, you may choose not to hear Him, but He will get to you. When you are chosen, one way or another, He will get to you. And got to me, He did. 

The moment I got out, I was enlisted for service. I was thrown into the frontlines without so much as an initiation. The first battle was the initiation. I have not looked back since. Oh yes, I have fallen, slipped, messed up, and bungled up things many many times since getting out of that cave. But I have never been allowed back there. He has made sure of that by giving me "watchers", people who serve alongside with me in the field, to remind me during those times that I forget and get lost.

There are days when the cave still tempts me. It's a lot more comfortable there, actually. I still have my days when I retreat, but so far, I have not gone back to that cave. I know that when I do, I will hear Him ask me again, "What are you doing here?" 

Just like He proved with Elijah, I can run and hide, but I will never be able to run far enough from Him that He will never be able to reach me, and there is nowhere I can hide that He won't be able to find me.

I thank God every day that He loved me enough to ask me what the heck I was doing in that cave in the first place. I thank Him that He loved me enough to get me out of there. I thank Him everyday that He uses one as unworthy as me for His purposes. 

All that's missing now in my life is the arrival of the chariots of fire. :) that, and calling fire down from heaven. :)

Boundaries

They say love knows no bounds. I beg to disagree. Sometimes, the only way to show and prove your love is to set clear boundaries that will define, for the time being, the limits and demarcations of the relationship, not because you want to limit, but because you want to help the person grow.

Where does self-sacrifice end and stupidity begin? When it all becomes a vicious cycle, isn't that reason enough to cut off and set up stronger boundaries?

How long will you wait? Until when do you hold off? And until when do you stay enmeshed?

Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod. Tama na, please.

Birthday surprise

This is where I want to be right now.
Photo credit: Giane Cortazar

Getting better is, I have found, not something to be rushed, nor is it something you force. You either are okay, or you are not. Sometimes, you perfect the art of being okay even if you are not that your conscious mind can no longer tell the difference. It takes a toll, though, on the other aspects of your life.

I just realized that I never really gave myself a break from everything that transpired since last year (wow, 2011 IS already last year... but that right there is another story!), and now I am beginning to feel the strings getting pulled taut again. I don't know how long it will be this time before it snaps, or if it will still come to that, or if the break will take another form. God has promised me, however, that this year will be His year with me = in short, our year. :) He made that promise on my birthday, when I was attached to a nebulizer, huffing and puffing to save myself from the worst of my asthma attack (yes, I had asthma on my birthday).

First, He led my best friend to Deuteronomy 31, and then me to Hebrews 11. It was the most awesome birthday gift I could have ever imagined getting - God Himself making me a promise, reassuring me that He would be working through me to expand the territory of the Kingdom; that I, a lowly servant, a soldier in His army, would be given such an awesome mission.

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of getting such reassurance from the King Himself, and on my birthday, no less. Every other time I have felt unwanted, inadequate, and unimportant in my life was just swept away by that simple message from Him. Yes, I am inadequate in all respects because I am serving a good and perfect King, but who am I to contest Him? He called me, no matter how unworthy I am. I have come to the realization that when He calls You, He will equip you.

Yes, I am still yearning for rest. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my body is screaming for a break. But just like everything, that will come when I need it the most, and I believe He will give it to me at just the right time. Right now, I have to strike while the iron is hot... There are territories to be claimed, people to share the gospel with. I have been called to duty, now it's time to attend my Master's summons. :)

Freedom is not something to be taken for granted

https://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/SOPA/Blackoutpage

They say that they are just trying to protect copyright, intellectual rights, and stop online piracy.

Others say this is the start of the curtailment of our basic freedoms, one of which is the freedom of speech.

If it is really just about putting a stop to online piracy, then I wonder why so many people are worried and why Wikipedia had to shutdown for 24 hours as a sign of protest.

If it is really about stopping online piracy, then why are they so vague? Why can't the proponents of this put out an explanation to make things clear to the public?

I cannot imagine living in a world where my words have to be very carefully chosen, for fear of punishment if I offend the powers that be. I am not saying that we should be careless with out words - of course decorum and manners will always apply - but to be gagged and not be able to stand for what you believe in because it is not approved? God help me, I do not want to be in a world where Big Brother tracks my every move.

Many of us don't even give this a second thought, especially for those of us who do not even know of the trauma that was Martial Law. But if we don't start caring now, sooner or later, we may all wake up in a world where we are gagged, with a knife pointed at our throats.

The things you just can't say

Wentai: Let's go away together! Doesn't matter where.
Hua Mulan: You once said, if you could give your life to end this war, you would do it.
Wentai: It's easy for me to give up my life, but it's too difficult to give up the woman I love.
Hua Mulan: In order that there be no more Tigers, that no more families end up with just a bloody dog tag...
Wentai: I understand... Forget about me.
Hua Mulan: For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day.

I have learned that you don't always have to say the words "I love you" for you to be able to say "I love you." If there was something I learned in that almost one year, it was that there are a thousand ways to creatively say those three magical words, and to show how much you mean it.

"I love you" could very well be replaced by, "You are a pest that wormed its way into our hearts and tool up permanent residence there."

Or it could also be, "You are the most annoying creature on the planet." But you know darned well you really couldn't live without the target of that statement.

It could also be stated simply by saying, "I have your back. No matter what."

And of course, there are the statements like, "I want you to remember how much you mean to me. No matter what happens, I want you to remember that you are important to me."

But when I saw the movie Hua Mulan, whose excerpt of my favorite part is featured above, I realized that this captured the entire essence of saying "I love you" without even saying "I love you."

I cried when I first saw that movie, not only because it was so beautifully tragic, but because it was so overflowing with love on so many facets and aspects. I cried when Mulan's soldiers were cornered, captured, and then systematically butchered by the enemy. I cried when her bestfriend from childhood died. I cried when the remaining soldiers sang of home. I cried when Mulan decided to forsake personal happiness for the greater good of her nation. I cried when Wentai offered to run away with her, and she declined. I cried really hard when she said, "For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day." As far as I know, that was the most beautiful way of saying "I love you" that I have ever witnessed on-screen.

And now, I am fighting the urge to cry because I am remembering the beauty and magnitude of that kind of love -- the kind of love that encompasses self, the kind of love that sacrifices everything for the sake of the greater good, the kind of love that selflessly gives, no matter what the cost, even if the price is death, be it literal or figurative... the kind of love that took the greatest humiliation of all by dying a criminal's death, and then crying out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?" It is no longer about you, nor is it about the person you love. It becomes so much greater and so much bigger than that... Suddenly, in the snap of a finger, I finally realize and understand that it is so much more than that. I realize that there is no other course to take, and that once you decide to give yourself up to the One who is love, you really have no choice except to love, even if it is hard, even if it is impossible.

I understand Mulan. I may not be a general, but I know what it is to wake up everyday in a battlefield. And for the first time in my very colorful life, I can say with all sincerity, "Knowing You are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day."

I can finally let your ghost go now. Because I finally understand what you mean... I know what you meant, and I understand, even if I can't explain it. Physical presence is no longer necessary to make such things felt, and understood. And if only for that, thank you.

Hope lives

Photo courtesy of
http://obsessionwithbutterflies.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/hope1.jpg 

I have been searching for this book for quite a while. It's been a part of my personal reading list, but getting a copy was kind of hard because it's always either out of stock or the book store doesn't carry it all.

So random ADD moment: are good books really that hard to come by nowadays?

Anyway, so when I finally found a copy of the book, I did not hesitate even if this particular book was not part of the sale list (yes, that is how much I love my books. Other women spend on clothes, shoes, bags, and make-up... I spend on books. Hehe.) and I could not avail of the 20% discount. It was worth it, though.

Hope for the Flowers gives off the impression that it is a children's book. The drawings, the font, and the minimal words on each page all give off the feel that it is a book intended to entertain and educate children. It even reads as fast as a children's book. I was so excited that I finished in 20 minutes (probably because I admired the drawings on each page so much).

But if you take a careful look at what it says on the cover: "A tale -- partly about life, partly about revolution, and lots about hope for adults and others (including caterpillars who can read)", you will realize that this is no ordinary children's book.

I understand now why my friend was bugging me to read this. Hope is an abstract concept understood easily enough, but oftentimes tricky to explain. Admit it, in the world we live in today, hope is not something we can all believe in easily. More often than not, it is despair, destruction, and chaos that rule. Author Trina Paulus, however, did a wonderful job on giving Hope a face through Stripe, Yellow, and that nameless caterpillar who encouraged Yellow as he hung on that branch.

All the basic principles I stand by were all illustrated well in this book. Perhaps one of my favorite moments was when Stripe realized how meaningless and utterly pointless it was to be part of the throng that was relentlessly pushing and working its way to the top. I find it refreshing that the concept of individuality here was subtly expressed and not blatantly glaring. Through the chain of events that happened in Yellow's, and then Stripe's life, they came to the conclusion that just because many people are doing it and going along with it, does not necessarily mean that it is right, nor is it beneficial. It is non-conformity with a purpose, not just wanting to be different because you want to stand out, or you want to be noticed. It is not about the attention. It is making the stand that matters. You dare to be different because you believe in something deeper than you can give actual meaning to, and even if you get ridiculed, ostracized, or persecuted for what you believe in, you will stand firm because you know you believe in something higher than your own wishes and desires, and you know deep down you live for something far greater than the whims and ever-changing approval of people. Just like Stripe and Yellow, they knew that their lives as caterpillars had to mean so much more than pushing their way to the top of the caterpillar pillar. Getting to the top was not all it was cracked up to be, because success and fulfillment lay elsewhere.

I was Stripe once, and I know what Yellow went through, too. Sometimes I still feel the pull of the caterpillar pillar, and I am inexorably drawn back, the way Stripe was, but God is good... He always directs me back to where exactly I should be. And He always reminds me that I have so much more to do with my life than drown myself in that throng and lose all sense of who I am in Him.

I have nothing but good words for this book. If you find yourself stuck in a rut and losing faith, I suggest you read this. Read it with an open heart and the eyes of a child. PDF copies are available online if you can't find a printed copy. I'd lend you mine, but I already gave my copy to my favorite kid. Books, like any other good thing, are meant to be shared. :) and since I can't lend you my copy, I will just post this blog entry.

Happy reading!