Unfinished Business

Funny how my last post was about the one year deadline you gave, and how this post still refers to you. After months of silence, I find some things have changed, and some things remain deeply rooted and still unchanging. They may have taken on other form, begun to look different, but in essence, it is the same thing you still hold in your hand.

There are just some things/people/situations in this life that never really leave you for good, no matter how hard you try. Shadows will continue to follow you, and will always nag at your thoughts. There are things that supposedly end, but are always left hanging. Sometimes, things that end that way are easy to walk away from and once it's over, you don't give it a second thought. But then, there is unfinished business.

Like how I still dream about you even after two years. Or the fact that we are still so connected despite no contact for so long. Like how you still see me so well even after all this time, even without knowing the specifics of what I'm going through. Or how I just get you still, even if I can't explain it.

I think we both knew it never really ended when you ended it. We both just walked away because it was the right thing to do. But we still have this hanging over our heads.

Dahil hindi ito nagtatapos sa paalam

Siguro kung may formula sa pakikipag-break, andami na sa atin natuwa ano? Di hamak na dadali ang buhay, at siguro, kahit papano, mababawasan ang mga suicidal na nagtatangkang tumalon o maglaslas kung maayos lang ang pakikipaghiwalay sa isa't isa. Aba, siguro kung may manual ng breaking up, nabawasan na ang drama at kwentong kahangalan na kakabit ng pakikipaghiwalay. Pero ang galing ano, sa dami ng mag-jowang nagkalat diyan, halos ganon din karami ang storya ng pakikipag-break at paghihiwalay. Samu't saring paraan, lalong mas maraming kwento ng kung papano hinarap, tiniis, dinamdam, at nilampasan.

Akala ko nung nabasa ko ang private message mo sa Facebook nung nakaraang taon, nagkatotoo ang kinanta ni Kat Agarrado dito na tumigil ang mundo. Nabasag ang katinuan. Sa dami ng pinagdadaanan nang mga panahong iyon, ikaw, dumagdag pa. Kung baga, ikaw na ang trigger na nagpatuluyan. 

Aligaga, balisa, hindi mapakali, nagdrama, umiyak, nag-inarte, naglasing, nagwala, nakipag-away, naghanap ng away, hindi umalis ng kwarto at halos hindi bumangon, nagalit sa universe, nagsumamo sa Diyos at sa lahat ng pwede pakiusapan, nakipagsuntukan sa pader (at sa kung kanino pang sira ulong gustong pumatol), umatake ang insomnia at hindi natulog ng pagkatagal-tagal, nagsulat, kumanta, umiyak pa ulit (at paulit-ulit pa), naghanap ng dahilan, binasura ang mga dahilang naisip, binalik-balikan ang mga alaala, pinakinggan ang mga banda at kantang paborito natin, pinaulit-ulit ang mga huling sandali hanggang sa halos masiraan ng bait, halos basagin ang lahat ng bagay na nagpapaalala sa akin sa 'yo, kulang na lang ay magpadala ng bulaklak ng patay sa 'yo para matapos na ang kabaliwan.

Akala ko, iyon na ang puno't dulo ng lahat. Seryoso, akala ko natapos na ang buhay nung nawala ka. Akala ko, hindi ko kaya bumangon at harapin ang bukas. Pero eto, pagkalipas ng isang taon, buhay na buhay pa ako, at namamayagpag. 

Ang dami kong galit sa 'yo nung una. Yung mga pagdadramang, "Para saan pa ang mga pangako?" at lahat ng kakambal ng ganyang sentimyento, nabanggit ko na yata. Nung una, hindi ako halos makabangon (literal) sa pagkakahiga ko. Mabuti na lang at napakabait ng Diyos, nagbigay Siya ng mga taong naniguradong hindi ko sinira ng tuluyan ang sarili ko nung mga oras na yon.

Para akong baliw na hindi mapakali sa iisang pakiramdam. Pasalit-salit sa galit, tapos mapapatawad, tapos magsesentimyento at iiyak, tapos ayan, magagalit na naman. Nakakapagod, tinalo ko pa ang artistang nag-iinternalize para sa isang bonggang role na gagampanan. Mabuti sana kung mananalo ako ng award sa pag-emote ko, eh wala namang ganun!

Lumipas na ang one-year deadline mo. Kahit papano ay tama pa rin ang pagkakakilala ko sa 'yo. Tinotoo mo naman ang sinabi mo na isang taon. Akala ko nga lang, pagkatapos ng isang taon ay masasagot na ang mga katanungan ko. Hindi naman kasi ibig sabihin na kapag humingi ng paliwanag ay pinipilit kang magbago ang desisyon mo, o kaya binabalikan ka. Hindi ganun. Ibig sabihin lang, may mga bagay na, sa kamalas-malasan nga lang ng tadhana, eh ikaw lang ang makakasagot, kahit ayaw mo na sana.

Akala ko nga lang din, may halaga sa 'yo na minsan ay naging matalik tayong magkaibigan. Akala ko ay kahit para doon na lang, magagawa mong magbigay ng disenteng pakiusap man lang. Hindi pala lahat ng bagay ay nadadaan sa ganun, ano?

Huwag ka mag-alala. Napatawad na kita. Taos sa puso ko iyon, at wala nang kahit anong bahid ng galit o sama ng loob. Okay na, magpaliwanag ka man o hindi, dahil napagtanto kong hindi ko na kailangan pa marinig. 

Pinagdadasal kong mahanap mo ang kapayapaan na matagal mo nang inaasam. Kung balang araw man ay magkita tayo ulit, alam mong wala na akong sama ng loob sa 'yo. 

The blessing of fire

On my way home from yet another disappointing job interview (complete with pouring rain and semi-bleak thoughts for company), I got around to thinking why some people are blessed with a smooth and relatively "painless" stay with only minor bumps in the road, while others are blessed (yes, I still say BLESSED) with fire, storms, and all imaginable kinds of challenges.

The first reaction is always, "Why me? I don't deserve this!" 

Perfectly legitimate question to ask. And in all my 27 years of existence, I have yet to find an answer that will suffice. 

I don't have an answer to the "Why me, I don't deserve this" part. What I do know is that we are burned, drowned, shaken, and allowed to feel pain because of one of two things: one, it may be a consequence of a past action or decision (now come back to bite you in the ass); or two, God allows it to test you and refine you, with the ultimate goal of making you more like His Son. 

I have learned that it is not a question of being fair, nor is it a question of who is deserving of what. God tested Job to see if he would remain faithful even when everything was taken from him. For all his ranting and reason to fall away (come on, Satan infected him with boils, caused his entire family to die and took away all his riches and possessions), he did not. God chose to save the city of Nineveh (something which the prophet Jonah greatly resented, because according to him, they were a sinful bunch anyway) despite them being "not deserving". God rescued Israel time and time again, despite their blatant disobedience and rebellion, whenever they would cry out to Him for help. So if it is only a question of being deserving, none of us deserve the grace of salvation, because we all fall short.

Coming out of a very bad year changed a lot of things, mostly my perspective. I have realized and come to accept that as long as I live in this world, trouble will ALWAYS exist. It is inescapable, so I might as well learn to live with it. Once I finally got it in my head that this world we live in is fallen, broken, deeply damaged, and in desperate need of a Savior (what else would you expect from a world ruled by the prince of darkness?), it became somewhat easier to accept that trouble would come, in one form or another, at some point or another. It may be a Job-like scenario, wherein Satan asks permission to test you; it may be a test allowed by Father to refine you and help you grow; it may be the consequences of our decisions or actions in the past.

You rant, you whine, you cry. You lash out at the universe and yell, "What did I do to deserve this?" More than the solution, the way we face the fire is just as important. There are only two options: run to God, or run away from Him and allow the trouble to drown you, pull you down, and destroy you, and then you blame God when everything is gone. More often than not, I took the latter path. I'd drown to the point of blacking out, and when I was completely lost, I would lash out and get mad at God. And then when I was completely lost, that was the only time I'd even consider Him as the solution. 

I am no expert in facing the challenges of life. If anything, I am a work in progress. I mess up and fall away and I forget just about everything His Word has promised me. I become a dark shadow of what I am supposed to be. I let Father down on a daily basis. It is only the miracle of His grace that I am still here.

I guess the whole point of this post is to encourage my fellows in arms, my brothers and sisters, and just about anyone undergoing fire. I know what it's like. I've been there. Sometimes I get pulled back. Just when you think you finally got it, well, life suddenly throws you off balance and it's time for you to level up. 

Leveling up is, perhaps, the single hardest thing to accept and go through in any Christian's life. But I do know, the rewards are eternal. So please, hang on, and do not fall away, not for anything.

Breaking the silence

So I know I've been silent the last few months. Now is a good time as any to break the silence, on the day before that one-year deadline.

What can change in a year? Apparently, a lot. 

When you've been down to the bottom of the pit, there is not much more that will scare you or faze you. The monsters that used to make you cower in fear, they that used to hold you in chains and keep you prisoner in a dark, dank cave, you suddenly see them for what they are -- defeated creatures of darkness desperately trying to bring as many as they can to their sorry doom. I am not saying the monsters are gone, that they have been slain down to the last creature, that they no longer plague me, but at least, at the very least, the chains have been broken... and I no longer find the cave beautiful.

I have never truly realized the value of praise until I literally had to count the things I was thankful for -- from the air that sustained me, the roof over my head, the food on the table, and the fact that I was still able to function despite everything. When you learn to be thankful for the very breath you breathe, then you know what I am talking about. You learn to wake up with a song of thanks, each and every day, for the simple fact that you are still breathing and the Lord is not done with you yet. 

I have learned that Atlas turns me into something dark and truly awful, but that I don't have to let Atlas control me, because I have a choice. Taking that choice is still something I am working on, but at least I have learned to make the distinction between me and Atlas. 

In the last year, I have also learned that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It does not matter how noble your reasons are, or how good you think you may be. Wrong is wrong and right is right, in that respect there is no middle ground, and I find that I am no longer willing to bend and compromise. I don't care if that makes me a killjoy. I guess I have to thank you for strengthening my convictions.

And in the last year, I have learned many times over and in a million different ways, that God, in His infinite mercy, is forever faithful. Not once did He leave me, even in the stupidest mistakes I made and the blatant transgressions I managed. When I cried out for help, He met me right then and there, and He brought me out of the cave. 

Tomorrow will mark the deadline. I can face it now with a quiet confidence that comes not from me, but from my Father's grace. Whatever tomorrow will bring, I know it will be for the best. 

The last year I had was not the easiest, in fact, it ranks way up there in the suckfest years. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I witnessed miracles. Infinite grace rained down, and continues to do so every day. Blessings I never thought possible were given. And I am loved beyond measure. There is nothing more I want, nor anything more that I could ask for.  

On Elijah and Hiding Out in Caves

Note: This was originally posted in my Facebook notes on February 26, 2012.

Photo credit: http://www.revelation-today.com/_ElijChar2.jpg

I've heard it said that there is no gray area when it comes to faith. You either believe or you don't. You either take the Bible to heart as truth in its entirety or you don't. There are certain things you can't find middle ground on, and faith in God and in His word is one of them. The New Testament, especially the gospels, I have always taken as truth. But so many things and events in that Book, especially the events that defy logic, I had a hard time taking.

That was the case until last week.

For a long time, the Bible and everything I read in it all had the element of something surreal and mythical to me. I knew in my mind that everything I read there is true, but somehow, it wasn't true for me. I believed in salvation, I believed in grace and mercy, I knew in my heart they were all real, but the other things? Like the chariots of fire, the Red Sea dividing, the sun going back in the sky, and fire raining down from heaven... somehow, all of those things were things I would associate more with a movie than with actual events.

Elijah's story is one of those Bible stories I had a hard time accepting as real. I mean, really, chariots of fire coming down from heaven and sweeping him away? Ravens feeding him in the desert? It seems more like scenes from a sci-fi or inidie film. I had no doubt whatsoever that Elijah performed all those miracles and great deeds to make the Israelites realize their mistakes, to help them repent and turn back to God. But somehow, the other parts of the story (along with so many other parts of the Bible) I could not really grasp.

Compared to the other great men of the Bible like Moses, Isaiah, David and the others, Elijah is relatively in the minor leagues. He occupies a few chapters (1 Kings 17-2 Kings 2), and unlike the previous names mentioned who are almost always the first names to be brought up whenever influence and impact on spiritual life is talked about, Elijah is not someone I hear often. So why am I writing about a minor prophet, when I have all the other famous big shots to choose from? Simple enough. Elijah resonates with me. Reading about his life is like looking into a mirror.

Elijah started out on fire. God called him, and he followed. He preached, called the people to repent, and challenged Ahab's and Jezebel's diviners because their acts of sorcery and divination were offensive to God. Ahab and Jezebel were leading the Israelites to sin, and God sent Elijah to turn the people from their wickedness. And Elijah was doing such an awesome job... until Jezebel ordered every prophet of God killed. The man of God who was calling fire down from heaven and challenging every man who dared to call "god" anyone else aside from the Lord God Almighty was suddenly turning tail and running scared. 

He ran. Yes, a mighty man of God, who called fire from heaven and preached courageously, ran. He ran to the desert and prayed that he would die. In his frustration, he sat under a tree and wished that God would take his life already because he was so hopeless and he felt that it was all so pointless. In his exhaustion, he fell asleep. You would think that after that, God would discipline him or something like that because he left right in the middle of duty. Instead, God sent His angel to give him nourishment. But still, he did not go back. When he regained his strength from what the angel fed him, he proceeded to a cave and sulked. 

In that cave, when Elijah was down, out, licking his wounds and feeling sorry for himself, God spoke to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

God asked him that not once, but twice. For the God of heaven and earth to meet you right there while you are busy hiding in your cave, shutting out every one and everything, feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting just about everything in your life, is something that shakes you to the very foundations of your being, and it changes your life.

When the God of the universe Himself goes down to your cave and asks you what you are doing there, that is not something you ignore. No matter how deep you may be in sorrow, anguish, or lament, when God himself meets you in your moment of deepest despair and bleakest longing, you just know that He is not done with you yet. 

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

I have been Elijah so many times in my life. We both started out on fire. And then, in the snap of a finger, I was derailed faster than I could figure out how or why that happened. And before I knew it, I was running hard and fast and I was slinking back further and further into a cave I had fashioned for myself, which the enemy made all the more inviting by enticing me with all kinds of offers and things that I thought, at that time, were perfect. 

I spent years in that cave. I thought I would never get out. I was lost, desperate, devoid of hope. I was getting self-destructive, I was destroying myself in so many ways and I knew, deep down, it was only a matter of time before the enemy won over me. I was drowning, and in all likelihood, I was going to die (figuratively).

And then one day, Father decided that I had had enough. He decided that it was time for me to get out of that cave.

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

I made excuses. I fought, I struggled. I tried ignoring Him. 

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

Like I said, when the Lord of all creation asks You that, you may choose not to hear Him, but He will get to you. When you are chosen, one way or another, He will get to you. And got to me, He did. 

The moment I got out, I was enlisted for service. I was thrown into the frontlines without so much as an initiation. The first battle was the initiation. I have not looked back since. Oh yes, I have fallen, slipped, messed up, and bungled up things many many times since getting out of that cave. But I have never been allowed back there. He has made sure of that by giving me "watchers", people who serve alongside with me in the field, to remind me during those times that I forget and get lost.

There are days when the cave still tempts me. It's a lot more comfortable there, actually. I still have my days when I retreat, but so far, I have not gone back to that cave. I know that when I do, I will hear Him ask me again, "What are you doing here?" 

Just like He proved with Elijah, I can run and hide, but I will never be able to run far enough from Him that He will never be able to reach me, and there is nowhere I can hide that He won't be able to find me.

I thank God every day that He loved me enough to ask me what the heck I was doing in that cave in the first place. I thank Him that He loved me enough to get me out of there. I thank Him everyday that He uses one as unworthy as me for His purposes. 

All that's missing now in my life is the arrival of the chariots of fire. :) that, and calling fire down from heaven. :)

Boundaries

They say love knows no bounds. I beg to disagree. Sometimes, the only way to show and prove your love is to set clear boundaries that will define, for the time being, the limits and demarcations of the relationship, not because you want to limit, but because you want to help the person grow.

Where does self-sacrifice end and stupidity begin? When it all becomes a vicious cycle, isn't that reason enough to cut off and set up stronger boundaries?

How long will you wait? Until when do you hold off? And until when do you stay enmeshed?

Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod. Tama na, please.

Birthday surprise

This is where I want to be right now.
Photo credit: Giane Cortazar

Getting better is, I have found, not something to be rushed, nor is it something you force. You either are okay, or you are not. Sometimes, you perfect the art of being okay even if you are not that your conscious mind can no longer tell the difference. It takes a toll, though, on the other aspects of your life.

I just realized that I never really gave myself a break from everything that transpired since last year (wow, 2011 IS already last year... but that right there is another story!), and now I am beginning to feel the strings getting pulled taut again. I don't know how long it will be this time before it snaps, or if it will still come to that, or if the break will take another form. God has promised me, however, that this year will be His year with me = in short, our year. :) He made that promise on my birthday, when I was attached to a nebulizer, huffing and puffing to save myself from the worst of my asthma attack (yes, I had asthma on my birthday).

First, He led my best friend to Deuteronomy 31, and then me to Hebrews 11. It was the most awesome birthday gift I could have ever imagined getting - God Himself making me a promise, reassuring me that He would be working through me to expand the territory of the Kingdom; that I, a lowly servant, a soldier in His army, would be given such an awesome mission.

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of getting such reassurance from the King Himself, and on my birthday, no less. Every other time I have felt unwanted, inadequate, and unimportant in my life was just swept away by that simple message from Him. Yes, I am inadequate in all respects because I am serving a good and perfect King, but who am I to contest Him? He called me, no matter how unworthy I am. I have come to the realization that when He calls You, He will equip you.

Yes, I am still yearning for rest. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my body is screaming for a break. But just like everything, that will come when I need it the most, and I believe He will give it to me at just the right time. Right now, I have to strike while the iron is hot... There are territories to be claimed, people to share the gospel with. I have been called to duty, now it's time to attend my Master's summons. :)

Freedom is not something to be taken for granted

https://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/SOPA/Blackoutpage

They say that they are just trying to protect copyright, intellectual rights, and stop online piracy.

Others say this is the start of the curtailment of our basic freedoms, one of which is the freedom of speech.

If it is really just about putting a stop to online piracy, then I wonder why so many people are worried and why Wikipedia had to shutdown for 24 hours as a sign of protest.

If it is really about stopping online piracy, then why are they so vague? Why can't the proponents of this put out an explanation to make things clear to the public?

I cannot imagine living in a world where my words have to be very carefully chosen, for fear of punishment if I offend the powers that be. I am not saying that we should be careless with out words - of course decorum and manners will always apply - but to be gagged and not be able to stand for what you believe in because it is not approved? God help me, I do not want to be in a world where Big Brother tracks my every move.

Many of us don't even give this a second thought, especially for those of us who do not even know of the trauma that was Martial Law. But if we don't start caring now, sooner or later, we may all wake up in a world where we are gagged, with a knife pointed at our throats.

The things you just can't say

Wentai: Let's go away together! Doesn't matter where.
Hua Mulan: You once said, if you could give your life to end this war, you would do it.
Wentai: It's easy for me to give up my life, but it's too difficult to give up the woman I love.
Hua Mulan: In order that there be no more Tigers, that no more families end up with just a bloody dog tag...
Wentai: I understand... Forget about me.
Hua Mulan: For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day.

I have learned that you don't always have to say the words "I love you" for you to be able to say "I love you." If there was something I learned in that almost one year, it was that there are a thousand ways to creatively say those three magical words, and to show how much you mean it.

"I love you" could very well be replaced by, "You are a pest that wormed its way into our hearts and tool up permanent residence there."

Or it could also be, "You are the most annoying creature on the planet." But you know darned well you really couldn't live without the target of that statement.

It could also be stated simply by saying, "I have your back. No matter what."

And of course, there are the statements like, "I want you to remember how much you mean to me. No matter what happens, I want you to remember that you are important to me."

But when I saw the movie Hua Mulan, whose excerpt of my favorite part is featured above, I realized that this captured the entire essence of saying "I love you" without even saying "I love you."

I cried when I first saw that movie, not only because it was so beautifully tragic, but because it was so overflowing with love on so many facets and aspects. I cried when Mulan's soldiers were cornered, captured, and then systematically butchered by the enemy. I cried when her bestfriend from childhood died. I cried when the remaining soldiers sang of home. I cried when Mulan decided to forsake personal happiness for the greater good of her nation. I cried when Wentai offered to run away with her, and she declined. I cried really hard when she said, "For twelve years, every day I wake up on the battlefield, my first thought is of you. Knowing you are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day." As far as I know, that was the most beautiful way of saying "I love you" that I have ever witnessed on-screen.

And now, I am fighting the urge to cry because I am remembering the beauty and magnitude of that kind of love -- the kind of love that encompasses self, the kind of love that sacrifices everything for the sake of the greater good, the kind of love that selflessly gives, no matter what the cost, even if the price is death, be it literal or figurative... the kind of love that took the greatest humiliation of all by dying a criminal's death, and then crying out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?" It is no longer about you, nor is it about the person you love. It becomes so much greater and so much bigger than that... Suddenly, in the snap of a finger, I finally realize and understand that it is so much more than that. I realize that there is no other course to take, and that once you decide to give yourself up to the One who is love, you really have no choice except to love, even if it is hard, even if it is impossible.

I understand Mulan. I may not be a general, but I know what it is to wake up everyday in a battlefield. And for the first time in my very colorful life, I can say with all sincerity, "Knowing You are there gives me the courage to open my eyes. Forever after, it will still be the same every day."

I can finally let your ghost go now. Because I finally understand what you mean... I know what you meant, and I understand, even if I can't explain it. Physical presence is no longer necessary to make such things felt, and understood. And if only for that, thank you.

Hope lives

Photo courtesy of
http://obsessionwithbutterflies.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/hope1.jpg 

I have been searching for this book for quite a while. It's been a part of my personal reading list, but getting a copy was kind of hard because it's always either out of stock or the book store doesn't carry it all.

So random ADD moment: are good books really that hard to come by nowadays?

Anyway, so when I finally found a copy of the book, I did not hesitate even if this particular book was not part of the sale list (yes, that is how much I love my books. Other women spend on clothes, shoes, bags, and make-up... I spend on books. Hehe.) and I could not avail of the 20% discount. It was worth it, though.

Hope for the Flowers gives off the impression that it is a children's book. The drawings, the font, and the minimal words on each page all give off the feel that it is a book intended to entertain and educate children. It even reads as fast as a children's book. I was so excited that I finished in 20 minutes (probably because I admired the drawings on each page so much).

But if you take a careful look at what it says on the cover: "A tale -- partly about life, partly about revolution, and lots about hope for adults and others (including caterpillars who can read)", you will realize that this is no ordinary children's book.

I understand now why my friend was bugging me to read this. Hope is an abstract concept understood easily enough, but oftentimes tricky to explain. Admit it, in the world we live in today, hope is not something we can all believe in easily. More often than not, it is despair, destruction, and chaos that rule. Author Trina Paulus, however, did a wonderful job on giving Hope a face through Stripe, Yellow, and that nameless caterpillar who encouraged Yellow as he hung on that branch.

All the basic principles I stand by were all illustrated well in this book. Perhaps one of my favorite moments was when Stripe realized how meaningless and utterly pointless it was to be part of the throng that was relentlessly pushing and working its way to the top. I find it refreshing that the concept of individuality here was subtly expressed and not blatantly glaring. Through the chain of events that happened in Yellow's, and then Stripe's life, they came to the conclusion that just because many people are doing it and going along with it, does not necessarily mean that it is right, nor is it beneficial. It is non-conformity with a purpose, not just wanting to be different because you want to stand out, or you want to be noticed. It is not about the attention. It is making the stand that matters. You dare to be different because you believe in something deeper than you can give actual meaning to, and even if you get ridiculed, ostracized, or persecuted for what you believe in, you will stand firm because you know you believe in something higher than your own wishes and desires, and you know deep down you live for something far greater than the whims and ever-changing approval of people. Just like Stripe and Yellow, they knew that their lives as caterpillars had to mean so much more than pushing their way to the top of the caterpillar pillar. Getting to the top was not all it was cracked up to be, because success and fulfillment lay elsewhere.

I was Stripe once, and I know what Yellow went through, too. Sometimes I still feel the pull of the caterpillar pillar, and I am inexorably drawn back, the way Stripe was, but God is good... He always directs me back to where exactly I should be. And He always reminds me that I have so much more to do with my life than drown myself in that throng and lose all sense of who I am in Him.

I have nothing but good words for this book. If you find yourself stuck in a rut and losing faith, I suggest you read this. Read it with an open heart and the eyes of a child. PDF copies are available online if you can't find a printed copy. I'd lend you mine, but I already gave my copy to my favorite kid. Books, like any other good thing, are meant to be shared. :) and since I can't lend you my copy, I will just post this blog entry.

Happy reading!

Getting back on track

So it's kinda strange how I took a period of hibernation these last few months and stayed uncharacteristically quiet. It's been chaotic, and the trouble is far from over, but whatever. There are better things to do and spend your time on, right?

But since I am trying to get back on track, please do try to bear with the randomness of the thoughts spouting from my disjointed mind. It's been quite a while since I translated my thoughts into written word, and I may be getting rusty.

After 72 days, I find that a lot of things have turned around. It's just funny how people evolve/devolve... what you once thought were absolutes are just as easily washed away by the tides of time and change. I can't deny the fact that I learned so much from you, and I will always be thankful for that. I know now that He used you to start this massive shaking I am experiencing, a shaking that I know will bring about a lot of good. I meant what I said that you will always have a place in my heart. Nothing will change that.

I realized that you will never truly know the limits of your strength until you are faced with something that tests, and ultimately stretches your limit. And when you find yourself at the end of your rope, God will extend that rope a little more, and He will take you even further, until you find yourself out of the tunnel, and you will be amazed at how long your rope has become and just how far you've come.

So this is my song at the moment, because I find that I am re-discovering my world. For the nth time. :)

The World I Know by Collective Soul
"Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know."

All I can say is that after all this, I have finally learned what it means to praise You in spite of and despite the circumstances. I will take the good with the bad. :) Despite everything, love still abounds. And that is more than enough to keep me going.

When blah becomes the point of reference

This week, so far, has been going by in a blur. What day is it already? All I know is that another cycle of day and night has already passed because I spent yet another sleepless night bugging Him for answers (which, I might add, have all been given, but yeah... Stubborn me), and eventually just drifting off to weird and disturbing dreams.


I would probably get flak for being where I am at the moment. Nosy know-it-alls would probably say what an irresponsible person I am being because I have left my charge alone for the moment. Typical kind of mentality in this part of the world... The eldest always gives way. I am not complaining, nor am I resentful. I'm just... trying to breathe. Because no matter how strong we panganays are (or look like we are), we are human, too, and we have limits. Most people seem to forget that, though. 


I don't care about the possible names I will be called, or the insults that will be thrown my way, because I do not answer to any of those hearsayers who know nothing. I don't owe them any explanations. The only One I am accountable to has given me clearance to rest, and His word is the only one that matters to me. I am not forsaking my responsibility, I just need a few days, or maybe a few weeks, to step back and regain perspective, because right now, I really really want to smash stuff in anger. 


I don't know why I even have to ask permission to be not okay. It's like it's been my default setting to be "okay" for so long that people sometimes forget that I have a breaking point, too. I am a very tolerant person, and surprisingly, I have been finding out that I am patient, too, but this does not mean that I am a doormat, nor is it a license for people to take advantage of me. And so even when I am no longer, I have to put on my masks and look like I am okay, because it's expected of me. 


I actually had to ask for time to be not okay. It's tiring to be so darned strong and together all the time. I told God, "Can I take a leave of absence? I'm not going to quit (although I am sorely tempted to). I just need time to be not okay for a while. I am tired, and I need to rest."


"Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"




It's so easy to do that when everything is going well. Try it when your heart is breaking, when the tears won't stop flowing, and you are at your wit's end already and you are this close to throwing in the towel. Try it when you have tried everything possible, when you followed all His instructions, but still, nothing seems to work. You pray consistently and constantly, but the answer you're waiting for is still somewhere beyond the horizon. It seems to work best, I've found, when you are down on your knees already because you are just about ready to give up and you are crying for a way out.

So yes. I am not okay, nor do I want to pretend to be okay. For those who can't deal with that, and who insist on me being "where I should be, doing what I should do" and to do anything otherwise is just plain selfishness, I will plug my ears and sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" because you really have no idea what you're talking about. If it is selfish to think about yourself once in a while, if it is selfish to give time for yourself and attend to your own needs, then so be it. When you have walked in my shoes and know what it is to be here, then tell me that. You may be trying to encourage me, but it is not going to work that way. You'd do better to just stand with me, give me a hug and let me cry (eating ice cream with me would be a good idea, too). If God Himself told His servants to rest, then who are you to argue with that?

So for now, no matter what others may think, I am taking a temporary leave of absence. And despite the hurt piercing my heart right now, this is what I sing:

Shine Your light and let the whole world see

God's arm is never too short to save. Just like the song says, HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE. If He was able to forgive a thief who was hanging beside Him on the cross at the last minute and that thief was promised paradise; if He was able to forgive David, the man the Bible calls a man after God'd own heart for his transgression; if He was able to forgive Peter for denying Him; if He was able to forgive Paul for persecuting the early church; if He was able to forgive Jacob for being such a deceptive person; if He was able to forgive the prostitute who was about to be stoned to death by the so-called righteous people; if He was able to grant redemption to that woman who went through five husbands; if He was able to call the most unlikely people and unworthy people - the least among us, those who were living a life of blatant sin, those who we used to think were beyond forgiveness or redemption - and use these people and their circumstances in life to advance His kingdom, then who are you to think that you are beyond His reach of forgiveness?

I can hear you arguing, if not loudly, then at least debating with yourself. "But God could not possibly want me. I've done this... and that... and I'm this... and that..." I hear you, brother/sister. I hear you loud and clear, because not too long ago, I was saying those words, too. Grant me a few minutes of your time by reading on, and I pray that God speaks to your heart through my words.

I grew up in a very religious family, but I never had a personal relationship with Him. Growing up, I remember questioning just about every practice in the religion I grew up in. It never really sat well with me why I could never go directly to God and pray to Him. I remember asking when I was young, "Is God's line busy that I have to use operator assistance to get to talk to Him?" I could not understand how an omnipresent and all-knowing God could not listen to a little girl's prayers.

I began to rebel. Not just because of the religion, but because my entire life was, in a word, a very huge MESS. I used the excuse that I came from a broken family, that I never knew my father, that I had every right to go against rules because it was my way of showing the world that I was in control of my own life. Thus began the downward spiral. At 16, I was already smoking a pack a day, drinking until I passed out, cutting myself and experimenting with marijuana. I disrespected my mother - I was willful, insisted on doing things my own way, and then I would blame her when things went wrong. I was mean, dark, and hurtful, especially to the people who loved me the most. I pushed them away and retreated into a world full of darkness, misery, and just about everything negative. I was an angsty teenager, and I thought I was cool. I thought it was cool to do what you wanted, when you wanted. I did not care about consequences because I thought I would live forever and I was invincible.

Fast forward to the year 2003. I was 18, and I was burnt out. I was tired of a life that went nowhere. I was drinking regularly then. I would sneak out every chance I get to drunk. Being drunk numbed me, and I welcomed that. And then I met people who showed me that there was another way to fill that emptiness that compelled me to keep destroying myself, and instead of destruction, I would find life and everlasting satisfaction, the kind that the world could never give. I know now that these people were sent by God, and I cannot stop thanking Him for the day our paths crossed, because it was through their testimonies that I am able to share my own today.

I gave my life back to Him in 2003. It was all smooth sailing at first. I was on fire. I was reading the Word everyday, I was praying, singing His praises, sharing the good news to everyone. And then just as quickly as it came, I burnt out. AGAIN. And so began the very long backsliding incident.

It was not just one thing that made me grow cold. It was many things, but mostly, it was my prideful and rebellious heart, insisting that I knew better, that I could do things better than Him. And so I went my own way. And I broke His heart countless times. I turned to every source of "comfort" I could think of except Him.

FLASH FORWARD TO 2008: That was when I hit rock bottom. I was getting drunk all the time. I was so angry at my mom for leaving. I was so self destructive that I have to wonder why God did not strike me with lightning right then and there. But in His infinite mercy and wisdom, He allowed me go through that darkness and still come out alive. He did not let the darkness and its evil consume me to the point that I could no longer cry out to Him for deliverance. Even when I was resolutely holding on to my own rebellion, He was slowly and patiently setting the stage for my coming home. Once again, He put people in my life who were, and still are, very much instrumental in getting me back on track.

Finally, I had had enough. Or rather, God decided I had had enough. I was on my knees, crying out that I had nowhere else to go. I was this close to slitting my wrists, or drinking an entire bottle of NSAID meds (I'm deathly allergic to those, see, taking one could give me a heart attack) - I was that devoid of hope. And right then and there, He met me. Oh, I wallowed in my depression and hopelessness for a while, but it is very hard to ignore the light and hope of His love when he persistently shows you time and again how much He loves you and how much He wants to give you the best life possible.

And by the best life, I do not mean that in this world's definition of what the best is. The best life according to my God, at least from what I am now beginning to discern, is not one that is free from suffering or persecution. Rather, the best life, I am learning, is one that is lived right there with Him, DESPITE THE SUFFERING AND PERSECUTION (because these are sure things to come when you live for Him). Sitting at His feet, listening to Him, crying in His arms when the world breaks your heart (as it always will), sharing your joys with Him, telling Him how your day went (even if He knows everything that happened already), lifting up the frustrations of being in the battlefield, and sometimes, simply being a kid and ranting to your Father and allowing Him to soothe you... that is what a good life on this earth means to me now.

So you, dearest brother/sister, you are never too lost for God to run to you and save you. John 3:16 said it best: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."


If you're feeling tired, and you feel like this world has nothing left to offer you, remember my story, and remember the mercy and love that He showed, and continues to show. If you are feeling too tired and exhausted to stand, kneel, dear friend. Kneel down, ask Jesus to come into your heart. We are all sinners, and not one of us can ever atone for that by anything we do. Acknowledge that you are a sinner, and that the sacrifice He made by dying on the cross and shedding His blood is the only way for you to be free...  Only then will you know peace. I should know... I've been there. That is why I can tell you my story. Even the messiest and darkest circumstances, those intended for our destruction by the enemy, God can and will use for our betterment, and to bless others, too, only if we allow Him to.


I pray that you find what you seek. Whoever you are, I am praying for you.

On silence

In the chaos of today's world, silence is a luxury that most of us cannot afford anymore, or we avoid for reasons I cannot fathom. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like a lot of people avoid silence. Whether it is silence in the company of other people, or silence when you are alone, most people just don't seem to be comfortable with it. 


Why do most people feel the need to fill the silent gaps with conversation, no matter how inane? What is it about silence that makes us so uncomfortable, anyway? Is it because in silence, we have no other choice except to confront ourselves? Or is it because in silence, everything else you want to ignore becomes more pronounced?


When it comes to friends, I think one of the marks of a strong friendship is when you can be silent with one another and not have to feel like you have to fill the silence. You are as comfortable with the silence as you are with the conversation. The person's presence is enough to assure you. 


Bearing the silence is a challenge in itself already. When we don't hear from the people we love, we worry. When we feel like God is silent, we worry. When a place is silent, we worry. When silence abounds, we worry. We would rather deal with the noise, the frantic sounds of a world in a hurry than to deal with the silence.


I have learned over the years that silence is not always a bad thing. You learn a lot that you just won't learn when you keep trying to fill in the silence with noise. You learn more about people by staying quiet and listening. You learn more by sitting quietly at God's feet than. 


Sometimes silence is deafening, too. But that is another story already. 

Through it all

Frustration has a name, and its name is Regina. 


Seriously, when you give up almost everything you have gotten used to for the sake of being there for someone who truly needs you, only to have that person backfire right in your face, that, my friends, would truly suck.


And suck does not even begin to describe it. 


How do you go about helping this person? You are all but a personal nanny already. Everything, and I mean everything, is laid out on a silver platter, ready to be picked up. All that is needed is some effort to actually pick up the stuff, and pick up after yourself. Everything else is taken care of. Does it take so much effort to do that? Would it kill you to reach out and actually try it?


How do you help someone who does not even exert any effort to help himself? Sure, rant about your difficulties. Lament the fact that the whole world is so harsh on you and that you can't help it because you're just wired that way. You know that I will always be here, I will always listen, and in any way that I can, I will always try to make things better for you. But at what cost?


So your present mode of therapy does not help. You do not trust the person who is supposed to be helping you. What do you do? Complain? Of course you do. But should it stop there? Shouldn't you at least try to find someone who can work with you better? Or does that fall to me, too? Does your getting better depend on everyone else except you?


I am at my wit's end. For now, I am. I need a vacation. I need to be somewhere far away where all this responsibility does not have to weigh down on me. I need to go somewhere and recharge, because in all honesty, I am starting to resent the cross that I carry, and I do not like that. If I am going to carry my cross, I want to do it with joy in my heart and have His peace envelope me. I do not want to be dragging on, resentful of this, because that is not how it is supposed to be. 

I think many people are under the mistaken notion that when you walk with God, it is going to be a walk in the park. Many people think that when you belong to God, everything becomes bright and shiny and easy. That's what I thought at first. But then, I came to know, as I walked with Him more, and as my relationship with Him deepened, that the exact opposite is true. Walking with God is not all sunshine and rainbows. The more I walk with Him, the more challenging it gets. The more I walk with Him, the more I am tested. Why? Because everyone who walks with Him has the privilege of being pruned, molded and refined by the Master Himself, until we become more like His Son. 


Only He knows why this particular cross is mine to carry. He gave it to me, and I trust that He will see me through this. And for that reason alone, I do not want to get to the point where I resent my responsibility, or Him, for that matter. That is why I need to vent, and vent to Him. He knows my rants, He knows these things that break me. And He knows how my heart aches, and how tiring it gets. But at the end of the day, He makes me realize that through it all, I have Him. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He will always be there to comfort me and give me strength. Everyone and everything else may fail, but He won't. That I am sure of. 


So for tonight, and maybe until the rest of the week, let me rant. Let me complain, let me air out the bad vibes of frustration. Because I am giving myself a deadline. I am allowing myself to be frustrated, I am allowing myself to wallow in hurt that this frustration brings with it. But after that, I will let it go, and I will ask Him again to lead me where exactly I should be. Because if this is where He wants me to be, then I am sure He will renew my strength. But if He wants me to be somewhere else, then I know He will make it happen, too, one way or another. Either way, I trust that He will give me the strength I need, and in the end, He will be glorified. 

Losing it

I heard that song the other day and it made me go nostalgic. There are just certain songs that when I hear, I am suddenly transported to another time and it's like I am reliving whatever it was that made that song stick to my memory. This song came out when I was in high school (like ten thousand years ago or something like that), and I distinctly remember feeling slightly off (like there was something missing or something I forgot to do or something like that), and just a tiny bit morose. It was quite some time after that that I researched the meaning and history of the song, and when I found out it was about a dad who was parted from his kid, I thought, "Hey, no wonder I could relate to the song and I was feeling that way."


My mother would probably not approve, me being such an emotional basketcase (believe me, it takes very little to set me off -- I cry at movies, when reading books, listening to songs, while praying, when writing... you get the picture), but I do believe there is some merit in wearing my heart on my sleeve. I may be in a constant pendulum state (I never stay steady on one mood long enough), but I think this is a great strength (which, therefore, makes it an ultimate weakness, too. Hahaha, I just contradicted myself there, but whatever!) because it makes me... how should I say... more receptive and somehow more understanding of others (that was the best way I could put it). I am like a sponge in the sense that I very easily absorb the emotions "around" me. I get carried away by other people's emotions, especially those closest to me. When the people I love are in pain, I don't sympathize. It's like I'm wired in such a way that I feel their pain, too. I cry with them, I laugh with them, I am joyful with them. Is that even normal? Oh wait, I don't wanna know the answer to that. :D


Thing is, most people are afraid to feel, especially when emotions become too intense. Loving too much, extreme emotional pain (like the pain of loss), anger, hatred... I think there are many who are afraid to go beyond the "prescribed amount" or dose of emotions. When it becomes "too much" they either run, shut out, ignore, basically anything to not confront what's there. We are so conceited like that... we take the good, but we refuse to deal with the bad and the ugly.


Just my random thought for the day. I don't know how one song made me end up here.  

Independence is overrated

And just so we're clear, no, I do not mean a nation's independence. I mean personal independence. 


A decade ago, I thought, hey, being an adult would be the coolest thing ever. I would get to drive, go to places, discover new things, and learn a load of stuff. What they don't tell you, and what they kinda forget to show you on those popular TV series, is how frickin difficult it is to be a responsible adult. Most shows will just portray adults who seem to have unlimited or at least very easy access to funds and other resources. They don't show the reality that making ends meet, supporting your dreams, and still finding a way to live is an incredible feat that requires incredible skill. They also don't show what it means to be a responsible adult. The kind of of shows I see just mostly portray adults as people who can get away with doing what they want. There is no such thing as being responsible for your actions and decisions on TV. 


But whatever. I'm just saying that being an independent adult is not all it's cracked up to be. I mean, yeah, it's nice to finally not have a curfew or to have to answer to your parents for everything, but really, when I'm sick and I still have to do everything, I begin to really miss my mom. I miss the regular temperature taking sessions. I miss the food she would prepare just for me (I become really picky about food when I'm sick 0_o). I miss the regular text messages/phone calls to check up on me and remind me to take my meds. I know I don't need reminding, and I really don't need her to do that for me because I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I'm just saying that even the most fiercely independent people like to be cared for once in a while. Looking forward to my mom's cooking and baking is also something I really really miss... Crawling into bed with her when I'm having bad day (I don't care if I'm too old to do that. Hahaha.)... 


Being a kid once in a while? Yeah. I miss that.

Blank is the word of the day

I have been blah for quite some time now. Blah is when you are neither here nor there, you just... are? Or you just are because you have to be. Try making sense of that. ^_^


Whatever. So today is no different, see? I feel like one of those pretty old cars that have not been used in ages -- or at least my brain feels that way. My engine coughed up a lot of gunk before being able to produce something of value. @_@ 


Being semi-employed certainly has its drawbacks, if I do say so myself. On the upside, I get to have all the time I want to think and ponder on the meaning of life (which, on some days, gives me a massive headache because I think myself into a migraine attack most of the time).


Speaking of headaches, does it not make your head hurt when your ceiling has leaks?!


Enough for today. Obviously, I have to start training my brain to function within the realm of "responsible adult" again. Good luck with that. I will be in Neverland for the rest of the week!

UMASAL LAMANG AYON SA GANDA ni LOURD DE VEYRA*

*This is not my work, but is way too amusing AND true to be left unshared. Good words of wisdom, Lourd. Keep 'em coming. :)

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Q: Bakit kailangan nito sa mga panahon ngayon?

Dahil sa mundong pataas nang pataas ang stress levels, dala ng banta ng climate change, kriminalidad, trapik, polusyon. Wala nang mas nakakakulo ng dugo kesa sa isang taong hindi umaasal nang ayon sa kagandahan.

Q: Ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng pilosopiyang ito?

Ilang gabay, alituntunin, at halimbawa:

• Kung di naman kagandahan ang katawan (at lalo na kung tadtad ng kurikong ang balat), ‘wag mag-post ng mga Boracay pics sa Facebook. Polite lang ang mga kaibigan mo pero pinagtatawanan ka nilang lahat. ‘Yan ang mapait na katotohanan.

• ‘Wag artehan ang pananalita. Wag lagyan ng impit at kulot kung wala rin lang natural na impit at kulot ang dila mo—unless lumaki ka sa US, nag-aral sa mamahaling paaralaan, nakatira sa exclusive subdivision, o nanggaling sa pamilya ng mga panginoong may-lupa.

• ‘Wag magpumilit mag-Ingles kung di ka rin lang naman lumaki sa Forbes Park o nag-aral sa I.S. Mas lalong wag na wag kung mali-mali rin lang naman ang Ingles mo.

• ‘Wag mag-sleeveless kung maitim ang kili-kili. ‘Wag na ‘wag mag-sleeveless kung maitim na nga ang kili-kili, pamalo pa ng dalag ang mga braso mo. Mas na mas na ‘wag—nakikiusap kaming lahat lalo na ang mga tropa ko dito sa Project 2—lalo na’t lumalabas ka pa sa TV. Alam naming karapatan ng bawat tao sa mundong itong magsuot ng sleeveless, pero tandaang karapatan din naming laitin ka nang bonggang-bongga.

• Kung di rin lang naman kagandahan, wag magti-tweet ng “WALANG GUWAPO DITO" dahil masaklap ang tatalbog sa iyo na paghusga. Wag rin magti-tweet tungkol sa kalidad ng wine lalo na’t bisita ka lang. At kahit na may training ka sa oenology, ‘wag manglalait ng wine ng ibang tao—lalo na’t pinapasuweldo ka ng taong bayan.

• Kung ka-edad mo na si Madonna, wag nang labanan ang makinarya ng panahon at isipin na ikaw pa rin ang seksing haliparot noong 1985. Kahit cultural icon ka na. Ang pagsuway dito ay magdudulot lamang ng matinding bangungot sa mga milyong-milyong tao tulad ng sa latest mong music video.

• Kung ‘di rin naman talaga model, huwag tangkaing mag-model—maliban na lang kung ang produkto ay hollow blocks o kaya’y Pigrolac. Sinadya ng Diyos na bigyan ng angkop na tangkad at ganda ang ibang tao para sa trabahong ‘yun.

Q: Ano ang kinaiba nito sa “Kung ‘di rin lang kagandahan, wag mag-inarte?"

Wala masyado—magkamag-anak nga sila, in fact. Pero masyado namang garapal itong nasa itaas. Pero ‘yan ang masakit na katotohanan: marami talagang hindi umaasal nang ayon sa ganda.

“Things that are pure within themselves evoke pleasure, thus beauty," ika nga ni Socrates. Sa Tagalog, naaalibadbaran tayo sa di-kagandahan. Lalo na’t nag-iinarte pa.

Ang di pagsunod sa batas na ito ay nagdudulot ng mga di-kanais-nais na pakiramdam sa mundo. Basic human courtesy lang dapat, di ba? Hindi tayo umuutot at pinapaamoy sa katabi natin. Hindi natin dinuduraan ang pagkain nila. Pag humihikab tayo, tinatakpan natin ang ating bunganga. Ang pag-ebs ay isang pribadong aktibidad at hindi natin ipinagmamalaki sa ibang tao.

Q: Bakit marami pa ring mga taong hindi kagandahan na hindi likas na sumusunod sa pilosopiyang ito?

Hindi ko rin alam. Bakit ba may mga taong nagnanakaw? Bakit may mga taong pumapatay? Bakit may mga mahilig manood ng child pornography o kaya bestiality? Bakit may mga opisyal sa gobyernong nakaw pa rin nang nakaw kahit na sobra-sobra na ang mga pera nila sa Switzerland?

“Good nature will always supply the absence of beauty; but beauty cannot supply the absence of good nature,"ika nga ng Briton na si Joseph Addison. Ang mahirap ay kung pangit ka na nga, maarte ka pa at masama pa ugali mo. Yung mga ganoon ay wala na talagang pag-asang lumigaya sa mundo kahit ilang hamster o pusa pa ang alagaan nila.

Q: Ano ang karaniwang nangyayari kapag hindi umasal nang naayon sa ganda ang isang tao?

Wala naman sigurong direktang koneksyon ang stress at ang mga di-kagandahang billboards sa Edsa, pero tingin ko yung kay Joel Cruz Aficionado ay isang ehemplo ng hindi umaasal nang ayon sa ganda. Ang isa pa ay yung kay Ellen Lising ng Ellen’s Aesthetic Surgical Center (Naaalala ko bigla yung The Crow. O kaya yung Joker ni Heath Ledger sa Dark Knight). Naiintindihan ko na karapatan nila ang ilagay ang mga pagmumukha nila sa mga naglalakihang tarpaulin sa bawat sulok ng Maynila. Pero magkaiba yung pag-promote ng negosyo sa pananakot sa kapwa tao.

Q: Ibig sabihin ba nito: Ang mga pangit ay wala nang karapatan mag-inarte?

Kung magdudulot ng pagtatalo sa magkakaibigan, argumento sa magkaka-opisina, suntukan sa bar dala ng kaartehang ito--- oo, wala silang karapatan.

Pero, nasa demokrasya pa rin naman tayo. Kaya, sorry na lang ako.

Q: Totoo bang pinagpapala o mas sinesuwerte ang mga taong umaastang sapat lamang sa kanilang natural na ganda?

Higit pa sa pagpapala ang ihahain sa iyo ng langit. Kabit-kabit kasi yan. Una, hindi maiismiran ang iyong dangal. Hindi ka pagbubulungan. Hindi ka pagpipyestahan ng kritisismo at tsismis. Kung walang maipipintas, walang papasok na panlalait sa aura mo, walang magnet ng negatibo. Despues, gagaan ang buhay. Tiyak na ang pagpasok ng swerte sa buhay.

Q: Magbigay ng mga halimbawa ng mga taong umaasal lang nang angkop sa kanilang ganda.

A. Buti na lang marami pa sila. Si Lucy Torres Gomez ay isang halimbawa nito. Kung tutuusin ay may karapatan siyang umasta sa anong paraang nais niya—dahil siya naman talaga’y diyosa ng kagandahan. Pero kahit na ganoon ang sitwasyon ay hindi niya kailanman inabuso ang pribelehiyong ito. Alam niya kung anong asta ang bagay sa kanya. Laging nakangiti, mabait ang pakikitungo sa tao. Hindi binabalandra sa madla ang kanyang mga mamahaling damit at pabango.

Shalani Soledad, maganda at sikat pero hindi rin nakitaan ng angas. Simple lang siya. In fact, siya pa rin ay larawan ng lumanay kahit sa gitna ng ingay at gulo ng game show. Masdan at pakinggan kung paano siya magbilang ng “…One… two… three… Goooow!"

Q: Bakit naman ito pa ang napili nating pag-usapan sa pagpasok ng bagong taon at hindi ang mga hula-hula at mga pampasuwerte sa buhay?

A: Dahil wala akong bolang kristal at wala ka ring makikitang turban sa ulo ko. Umaasal lang ako ayon sa aking ganda.