Unfinished Business

Funny how my last post was about the one year deadline you gave, and how this post still refers to you. After months of silence, I find some things have changed, and some things remain deeply rooted and still unchanging. They may have taken on other form, begun to look different, but in essence, it is the same thing you still hold in your hand.

There are just some things/people/situations in this life that never really leave you for good, no matter how hard you try. Shadows will continue to follow you, and will always nag at your thoughts. There are things that supposedly end, but are always left hanging. Sometimes, things that end that way are easy to walk away from and once it's over, you don't give it a second thought. But then, there is unfinished business.

Like how I still dream about you even after two years. Or the fact that we are still so connected despite no contact for so long. Like how you still see me so well even after all this time, even without knowing the specifics of what I'm going through. Or how I just get you still, even if I can't explain it.

I think we both knew it never really ended when you ended it. We both just walked away because it was the right thing to do. But we still have this hanging over our heads.

Dahil hindi ito nagtatapos sa paalam

Siguro kung may formula sa pakikipag-break, andami na sa atin natuwa ano? Di hamak na dadali ang buhay, at siguro, kahit papano, mababawasan ang mga suicidal na nagtatangkang tumalon o maglaslas kung maayos lang ang pakikipaghiwalay sa isa't isa. Aba, siguro kung may manual ng breaking up, nabawasan na ang drama at kwentong kahangalan na kakabit ng pakikipaghiwalay. Pero ang galing ano, sa dami ng mag-jowang nagkalat diyan, halos ganon din karami ang storya ng pakikipag-break at paghihiwalay. Samu't saring paraan, lalong mas maraming kwento ng kung papano hinarap, tiniis, dinamdam, at nilampasan.

Akala ko nung nabasa ko ang private message mo sa Facebook nung nakaraang taon, nagkatotoo ang kinanta ni Kat Agarrado dito na tumigil ang mundo. Nabasag ang katinuan. Sa dami ng pinagdadaanan nang mga panahong iyon, ikaw, dumagdag pa. Kung baga, ikaw na ang trigger na nagpatuluyan. 

Aligaga, balisa, hindi mapakali, nagdrama, umiyak, nag-inarte, naglasing, nagwala, nakipag-away, naghanap ng away, hindi umalis ng kwarto at halos hindi bumangon, nagalit sa universe, nagsumamo sa Diyos at sa lahat ng pwede pakiusapan, nakipagsuntukan sa pader (at sa kung kanino pang sira ulong gustong pumatol), umatake ang insomnia at hindi natulog ng pagkatagal-tagal, nagsulat, kumanta, umiyak pa ulit (at paulit-ulit pa), naghanap ng dahilan, binasura ang mga dahilang naisip, binalik-balikan ang mga alaala, pinakinggan ang mga banda at kantang paborito natin, pinaulit-ulit ang mga huling sandali hanggang sa halos masiraan ng bait, halos basagin ang lahat ng bagay na nagpapaalala sa akin sa 'yo, kulang na lang ay magpadala ng bulaklak ng patay sa 'yo para matapos na ang kabaliwan.

Akala ko, iyon na ang puno't dulo ng lahat. Seryoso, akala ko natapos na ang buhay nung nawala ka. Akala ko, hindi ko kaya bumangon at harapin ang bukas. Pero eto, pagkalipas ng isang taon, buhay na buhay pa ako, at namamayagpag. 

Ang dami kong galit sa 'yo nung una. Yung mga pagdadramang, "Para saan pa ang mga pangako?" at lahat ng kakambal ng ganyang sentimyento, nabanggit ko na yata. Nung una, hindi ako halos makabangon (literal) sa pagkakahiga ko. Mabuti na lang at napakabait ng Diyos, nagbigay Siya ng mga taong naniguradong hindi ko sinira ng tuluyan ang sarili ko nung mga oras na yon.

Para akong baliw na hindi mapakali sa iisang pakiramdam. Pasalit-salit sa galit, tapos mapapatawad, tapos magsesentimyento at iiyak, tapos ayan, magagalit na naman. Nakakapagod, tinalo ko pa ang artistang nag-iinternalize para sa isang bonggang role na gagampanan. Mabuti sana kung mananalo ako ng award sa pag-emote ko, eh wala namang ganun!

Lumipas na ang one-year deadline mo. Kahit papano ay tama pa rin ang pagkakakilala ko sa 'yo. Tinotoo mo naman ang sinabi mo na isang taon. Akala ko nga lang, pagkatapos ng isang taon ay masasagot na ang mga katanungan ko. Hindi naman kasi ibig sabihin na kapag humingi ng paliwanag ay pinipilit kang magbago ang desisyon mo, o kaya binabalikan ka. Hindi ganun. Ibig sabihin lang, may mga bagay na, sa kamalas-malasan nga lang ng tadhana, eh ikaw lang ang makakasagot, kahit ayaw mo na sana.

Akala ko nga lang din, may halaga sa 'yo na minsan ay naging matalik tayong magkaibigan. Akala ko ay kahit para doon na lang, magagawa mong magbigay ng disenteng pakiusap man lang. Hindi pala lahat ng bagay ay nadadaan sa ganun, ano?

Huwag ka mag-alala. Napatawad na kita. Taos sa puso ko iyon, at wala nang kahit anong bahid ng galit o sama ng loob. Okay na, magpaliwanag ka man o hindi, dahil napagtanto kong hindi ko na kailangan pa marinig. 

Pinagdadasal kong mahanap mo ang kapayapaan na matagal mo nang inaasam. Kung balang araw man ay magkita tayo ulit, alam mong wala na akong sama ng loob sa 'yo. 

The blessing of fire

On my way home from yet another disappointing job interview (complete with pouring rain and semi-bleak thoughts for company), I got around to thinking why some people are blessed with a smooth and relatively "painless" stay with only minor bumps in the road, while others are blessed (yes, I still say BLESSED) with fire, storms, and all imaginable kinds of challenges.

The first reaction is always, "Why me? I don't deserve this!" 

Perfectly legitimate question to ask. And in all my 27 years of existence, I have yet to find an answer that will suffice. 

I don't have an answer to the "Why me, I don't deserve this" part. What I do know is that we are burned, drowned, shaken, and allowed to feel pain because of one of two things: one, it may be a consequence of a past action or decision (now come back to bite you in the ass); or two, God allows it to test you and refine you, with the ultimate goal of making you more like His Son. 

I have learned that it is not a question of being fair, nor is it a question of who is deserving of what. God tested Job to see if he would remain faithful even when everything was taken from him. For all his ranting and reason to fall away (come on, Satan infected him with boils, caused his entire family to die and took away all his riches and possessions), he did not. God chose to save the city of Nineveh (something which the prophet Jonah greatly resented, because according to him, they were a sinful bunch anyway) despite them being "not deserving". God rescued Israel time and time again, despite their blatant disobedience and rebellion, whenever they would cry out to Him for help. So if it is only a question of being deserving, none of us deserve the grace of salvation, because we all fall short.

Coming out of a very bad year changed a lot of things, mostly my perspective. I have realized and come to accept that as long as I live in this world, trouble will ALWAYS exist. It is inescapable, so I might as well learn to live with it. Once I finally got it in my head that this world we live in is fallen, broken, deeply damaged, and in desperate need of a Savior (what else would you expect from a world ruled by the prince of darkness?), it became somewhat easier to accept that trouble would come, in one form or another, at some point or another. It may be a Job-like scenario, wherein Satan asks permission to test you; it may be a test allowed by Father to refine you and help you grow; it may be the consequences of our decisions or actions in the past.

You rant, you whine, you cry. You lash out at the universe and yell, "What did I do to deserve this?" More than the solution, the way we face the fire is just as important. There are only two options: run to God, or run away from Him and allow the trouble to drown you, pull you down, and destroy you, and then you blame God when everything is gone. More often than not, I took the latter path. I'd drown to the point of blacking out, and when I was completely lost, I would lash out and get mad at God. And then when I was completely lost, that was the only time I'd even consider Him as the solution. 

I am no expert in facing the challenges of life. If anything, I am a work in progress. I mess up and fall away and I forget just about everything His Word has promised me. I become a dark shadow of what I am supposed to be. I let Father down on a daily basis. It is only the miracle of His grace that I am still here.

I guess the whole point of this post is to encourage my fellows in arms, my brothers and sisters, and just about anyone undergoing fire. I know what it's like. I've been there. Sometimes I get pulled back. Just when you think you finally got it, well, life suddenly throws you off balance and it's time for you to level up. 

Leveling up is, perhaps, the single hardest thing to accept and go through in any Christian's life. But I do know, the rewards are eternal. So please, hang on, and do not fall away, not for anything.

Breaking the silence

So I know I've been silent the last few months. Now is a good time as any to break the silence, on the day before that one-year deadline.

What can change in a year? Apparently, a lot. 

When you've been down to the bottom of the pit, there is not much more that will scare you or faze you. The monsters that used to make you cower in fear, they that used to hold you in chains and keep you prisoner in a dark, dank cave, you suddenly see them for what they are -- defeated creatures of darkness desperately trying to bring as many as they can to their sorry doom. I am not saying the monsters are gone, that they have been slain down to the last creature, that they no longer plague me, but at least, at the very least, the chains have been broken... and I no longer find the cave beautiful.

I have never truly realized the value of praise until I literally had to count the things I was thankful for -- from the air that sustained me, the roof over my head, the food on the table, and the fact that I was still able to function despite everything. When you learn to be thankful for the very breath you breathe, then you know what I am talking about. You learn to wake up with a song of thanks, each and every day, for the simple fact that you are still breathing and the Lord is not done with you yet. 

I have learned that Atlas turns me into something dark and truly awful, but that I don't have to let Atlas control me, because I have a choice. Taking that choice is still something I am working on, but at least I have learned to make the distinction between me and Atlas. 

In the last year, I have also learned that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It does not matter how noble your reasons are, or how good you think you may be. Wrong is wrong and right is right, in that respect there is no middle ground, and I find that I am no longer willing to bend and compromise. I don't care if that makes me a killjoy. I guess I have to thank you for strengthening my convictions.

And in the last year, I have learned many times over and in a million different ways, that God, in His infinite mercy, is forever faithful. Not once did He leave me, even in the stupidest mistakes I made and the blatant transgressions I managed. When I cried out for help, He met me right then and there, and He brought me out of the cave. 

Tomorrow will mark the deadline. I can face it now with a quiet confidence that comes not from me, but from my Father's grace. Whatever tomorrow will bring, I know it will be for the best. 

The last year I had was not the easiest, in fact, it ranks way up there in the suckfest years. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I witnessed miracles. Infinite grace rained down, and continues to do so every day. Blessings I never thought possible were given. And I am loved beyond measure. There is nothing more I want, nor anything more that I could ask for.  

On Elijah and Hiding Out in Caves

Note: This was originally posted in my Facebook notes on February 26, 2012.

Photo credit: http://www.revelation-today.com/_ElijChar2.jpg

I've heard it said that there is no gray area when it comes to faith. You either believe or you don't. You either take the Bible to heart as truth in its entirety or you don't. There are certain things you can't find middle ground on, and faith in God and in His word is one of them. The New Testament, especially the gospels, I have always taken as truth. But so many things and events in that Book, especially the events that defy logic, I had a hard time taking.

That was the case until last week.

For a long time, the Bible and everything I read in it all had the element of something surreal and mythical to me. I knew in my mind that everything I read there is true, but somehow, it wasn't true for me. I believed in salvation, I believed in grace and mercy, I knew in my heart they were all real, but the other things? Like the chariots of fire, the Red Sea dividing, the sun going back in the sky, and fire raining down from heaven... somehow, all of those things were things I would associate more with a movie than with actual events.

Elijah's story is one of those Bible stories I had a hard time accepting as real. I mean, really, chariots of fire coming down from heaven and sweeping him away? Ravens feeding him in the desert? It seems more like scenes from a sci-fi or inidie film. I had no doubt whatsoever that Elijah performed all those miracles and great deeds to make the Israelites realize their mistakes, to help them repent and turn back to God. But somehow, the other parts of the story (along with so many other parts of the Bible) I could not really grasp.

Compared to the other great men of the Bible like Moses, Isaiah, David and the others, Elijah is relatively in the minor leagues. He occupies a few chapters (1 Kings 17-2 Kings 2), and unlike the previous names mentioned who are almost always the first names to be brought up whenever influence and impact on spiritual life is talked about, Elijah is not someone I hear often. So why am I writing about a minor prophet, when I have all the other famous big shots to choose from? Simple enough. Elijah resonates with me. Reading about his life is like looking into a mirror.

Elijah started out on fire. God called him, and he followed. He preached, called the people to repent, and challenged Ahab's and Jezebel's diviners because their acts of sorcery and divination were offensive to God. Ahab and Jezebel were leading the Israelites to sin, and God sent Elijah to turn the people from their wickedness. And Elijah was doing such an awesome job... until Jezebel ordered every prophet of God killed. The man of God who was calling fire down from heaven and challenging every man who dared to call "god" anyone else aside from the Lord God Almighty was suddenly turning tail and running scared. 

He ran. Yes, a mighty man of God, who called fire from heaven and preached courageously, ran. He ran to the desert and prayed that he would die. In his frustration, he sat under a tree and wished that God would take his life already because he was so hopeless and he felt that it was all so pointless. In his exhaustion, he fell asleep. You would think that after that, God would discipline him or something like that because he left right in the middle of duty. Instead, God sent His angel to give him nourishment. But still, he did not go back. When he regained his strength from what the angel fed him, he proceeded to a cave and sulked. 

In that cave, when Elijah was down, out, licking his wounds and feeling sorry for himself, God spoke to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

God asked him that not once, but twice. For the God of heaven and earth to meet you right there while you are busy hiding in your cave, shutting out every one and everything, feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting just about everything in your life, is something that shakes you to the very foundations of your being, and it changes your life.

When the God of the universe Himself goes down to your cave and asks you what you are doing there, that is not something you ignore. No matter how deep you may be in sorrow, anguish, or lament, when God himself meets you in your moment of deepest despair and bleakest longing, you just know that He is not done with you yet. 

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

I have been Elijah so many times in my life. We both started out on fire. And then, in the snap of a finger, I was derailed faster than I could figure out how or why that happened. And before I knew it, I was running hard and fast and I was slinking back further and further into a cave I had fashioned for myself, which the enemy made all the more inviting by enticing me with all kinds of offers and things that I thought, at that time, were perfect. 

I spent years in that cave. I thought I would never get out. I was lost, desperate, devoid of hope. I was getting self-destructive, I was destroying myself in so many ways and I knew, deep down, it was only a matter of time before the enemy won over me. I was drowning, and in all likelihood, I was going to die (figuratively).

And then one day, Father decided that I had had enough. He decided that it was time for me to get out of that cave.

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

I made excuses. I fought, I struggled. I tried ignoring Him. 

"What are you doing here, Giane?"

Like I said, when the Lord of all creation asks You that, you may choose not to hear Him, but He will get to you. When you are chosen, one way or another, He will get to you. And got to me, He did. 

The moment I got out, I was enlisted for service. I was thrown into the frontlines without so much as an initiation. The first battle was the initiation. I have not looked back since. Oh yes, I have fallen, slipped, messed up, and bungled up things many many times since getting out of that cave. But I have never been allowed back there. He has made sure of that by giving me "watchers", people who serve alongside with me in the field, to remind me during those times that I forget and get lost.

There are days when the cave still tempts me. It's a lot more comfortable there, actually. I still have my days when I retreat, but so far, I have not gone back to that cave. I know that when I do, I will hear Him ask me again, "What are you doing here?" 

Just like He proved with Elijah, I can run and hide, but I will never be able to run far enough from Him that He will never be able to reach me, and there is nowhere I can hide that He won't be able to find me.

I thank God every day that He loved me enough to ask me what the heck I was doing in that cave in the first place. I thank Him that He loved me enough to get me out of there. I thank Him everyday that He uses one as unworthy as me for His purposes. 

All that's missing now in my life is the arrival of the chariots of fire. :) that, and calling fire down from heaven. :)

Boundaries

They say love knows no bounds. I beg to disagree. Sometimes, the only way to show and prove your love is to set clear boundaries that will define, for the time being, the limits and demarcations of the relationship, not because you want to limit, but because you want to help the person grow.

Where does self-sacrifice end and stupidity begin? When it all becomes a vicious cycle, isn't that reason enough to cut off and set up stronger boundaries?

How long will you wait? Until when do you hold off? And until when do you stay enmeshed?

Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod. Tama na, please.

Birthday surprise

This is where I want to be right now.
Photo credit: Giane Cortazar

Getting better is, I have found, not something to be rushed, nor is it something you force. You either are okay, or you are not. Sometimes, you perfect the art of being okay even if you are not that your conscious mind can no longer tell the difference. It takes a toll, though, on the other aspects of your life.

I just realized that I never really gave myself a break from everything that transpired since last year (wow, 2011 IS already last year... but that right there is another story!), and now I am beginning to feel the strings getting pulled taut again. I don't know how long it will be this time before it snaps, or if it will still come to that, or if the break will take another form. God has promised me, however, that this year will be His year with me = in short, our year. :) He made that promise on my birthday, when I was attached to a nebulizer, huffing and puffing to save myself from the worst of my asthma attack (yes, I had asthma on my birthday).

First, He led my best friend to Deuteronomy 31, and then me to Hebrews 11. It was the most awesome birthday gift I could have ever imagined getting - God Himself making me a promise, reassuring me that He would be working through me to expand the territory of the Kingdom; that I, a lowly servant, a soldier in His army, would be given such an awesome mission.

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of getting such reassurance from the King Himself, and on my birthday, no less. Every other time I have felt unwanted, inadequate, and unimportant in my life was just swept away by that simple message from Him. Yes, I am inadequate in all respects because I am serving a good and perfect King, but who am I to contest Him? He called me, no matter how unworthy I am. I have come to the realization that when He calls You, He will equip you.

Yes, I am still yearning for rest. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my body is screaming for a break. But just like everything, that will come when I need it the most, and I believe He will give it to me at just the right time. Right now, I have to strike while the iron is hot... There are territories to be claimed, people to share the gospel with. I have been called to duty, now it's time to attend my Master's summons. :)